Give unto Others

I just want to say that after careful consideration... I've decided not to worry about the holidays.... they will come whether I have a plan or not...But as I was doing my considerable thinking last night, it dawned on me that I am worried about myself...not about myself per se, but whether I'll feel fulfilled or not... Well maybe the trick is to forget that and to concentrate on things outside of myself... maybe the trick is to get into the spirit of the holidays and make them about others... that's what made them so appealing for me in the past... I concentrated on my family... well my family looks different these days... my children will not be here... so maybe... just maybe it's about others...
That will be my new approach...

The holidays you say?

Ahhh the holidays.... I go from loving them to hating them... to being anxious about their arrival and then thinking it will be nice they are here. In the past, as a child, teen, young married woman, and as a married woman with children, I LOVED the holidays... Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas... they were my favorites... big family get togethers... turkey dinners... cutting down the tree... decorating... shopping for presents ... parties... having the kids be excited or surprised by what Santa brought... making sure I could find what Santa needed to bring.... wrapping... staying up watching "It's a Wonderful Life"...all those things brought me joy ... as the years progressed and I became a single mom and the children became older...those holidays became more challenging...I think I began some new traditions with the kids and others that were fun and endearing and actually became more meaningful to me than older traditions... but Thanksgiving Day and Christmas day... well they became a challenge after my divorce... that first Christmas day... oh my gosh... the memory of it brings tears to my eyes even today... I thought my heart was being ripped out... but even as things got better and I got used to the kids going with their dad... things also got weirder... I never have been able to find a place for myself on those days... I mean a place where I have felt like I belonged... especially on Christmas day... I have done so many things on that day to "try and see what fits"... I've been to friends homes... spent it with their families... I've volunteered... I've stayed home and gone visiting all my friends on that day... but... after the children leave and go off with their dad... nothing seems to fit for me... It seems to me that I end up feeling like I'm trying to fill a void as opposed to feeling fulfilled and belonging in any one of those situations...I tried all those different things in hopes of finding "my fit".

This year, I find myself already thinking about the holidays (in October no less!) and I think this year will bring about exceptional challenges for me. I'm in my new home... far away from anything or anyone familiar... far from my children, friends, previous life... This year I will truly be in "new territory". How should I "fill the void" of the holidays... At first I thought I would travel back east for Christmas. I would fly to Philly, spend some time, drive my daughter to her dad's, I would see my children and friends. But then it dawned on me... well I would still have the same feelings about the day and on top of that... not really feel like I belong...since I NO LONGER LIVE THERE... and that seemed like too much for me to handle... so then I thought... maybe I should take a trip... just get the hell out of dodge... ya know... run away... I can think of lots of places to run to... but would that help... maybe my daughter would come here... But here's the thing about traditions... I have mourned the loss of what were once my "family" traditions... I have had to create new ones... My children will hold on to their traditions... As my divorce worked out, we created an environment in which we could share...I don't feel that we ever made our children choose... and so since I've moved, I took myself out of the loop... It didn't dawn on me that I wouldn't see my children over the holidays... That Christmas would be even harder for me since I wouldn't see my children at all. No Christmas eve, no waking on Christmas morning, no wrapping presents all night. Do I even get a Christmas tree? I'm not even Christian but I've always loved Christmas trees and the holidays (hence my conundrum)! I never dreamed that I would find myself in petty moments counting the number of days I've spent with the kids... or in more contemplative moments, thinking about my parents and how they must feel when I choose not to go visit them...as a daughter thinking about my parents, do they wish I would visit them(of course they do), or are they upset when I don't come visit them? Of course that leads me to think, Gosh do my children view me the same way I view my parents?

Oh who knows... I came here to this place find myself and find a place for myself...To heal... to grow... to love... to grieve... I guess this seems as good a time as any to find a life that suits me... find something fulfilling...find... what that wide world has to offer.... So what will the holidays bring?... don't know... where will I be?... London? Arizona? Paris? Colorado? Maybe I'll be away... or maybe I'll just take a nice, long, winter hike.....Maybe that's the beauty of the holidays.

The quiet of the mind...

This is what I love about going on a hike... at some point on the way up...(after I've stopped huffing a puffing...LOL) my mind just clears... I may be thinking of one thing or another... and then.. all of the sudden it dawns on me that I'm quiet... I mean truly quiet... my mind is quiet... no thoughts of the day... no anxieties... nothing going on other than maybe looking at the trees or the birds... but it's amazing to be that quiet...It's such a relaxing thing... I think that quiet moment provides clarity... when you can view your surroundings and just be... It is really a wonderful feeling. That total quiet is something I've never before experienced. I would guess that's what it's like to meditate. I was on my way down concentrating with my new poles... when that quiet dawned on me... It had been there for awhile and I noticed it because when I came upon a fellow hiker I was startled... It's like I was in another world...Let me digress a moment ... as always... to say my poles are awesome! I met a guy on a hike when I first got here and he recommended them... and I thought they would be awkward, or cumbersome... but they aren't... They are fantastic... they provide stability on the slippery slopes... and really help your knees... anyway...I then started thinking about something I read in my daughters blog.... she was writing about "who she is" and I was amazed by how well she knows herself... so that led me to think back to the exercise of I did once in my women's group... "I am a woman who"...and what I've come up with ... on my latest hike... "I am a woman who is on an adventure"...

Musings from a hike

I was taking a hike after work today and was thinking about my recent visit back east...I agonized , pondered about whether I should go, I went back and forth about going, until I just finally decided to just GO... and hope that people understood if I couldn't see them individually, or spend alot of time with them... I realized that I was going back to a place where I had friends and family and they would understand my time constraints and really if they wanted to see me individually, they could come to visit me in Boulder... lol... I had a wonderful time... and here is what I realized on my hike... I have people in my life that love me.. and when you have people that love you... it gives you the courage or strength to go off on your own... that is what I wish for for my own children... that they will have the strength, courage, to stand ... That they will create their own lives, they can be happy and secure, knowing they have so much love and support that they can try anything...Well that is my wish anyway for them... So maybe I've learned this late in my life... but I was busy or distracted by other things... and going to visit, reminded me that I am blessed with many, many people in my life that love me...When I was so wounded, they helped me rebuild, and like the launching of a child, I have been able to take this step...

ohhh.....moving

Last entry recounted all the things I love about living in Boulder... There are so many things that I forgot to mention... I kept thinking of them all day today and really meant to recount them all... But tonight I sit here going thru my inventory from the moving company, trying to account for all the items that were lost. How depressing... I've discovered that they lost my desk chair... it just occured to me as I was sitting at the dining room table looking at this list that - 1 - is a carbon copy, 2- is written in chicken scratch and 3- really has no description of the item...
I loved my desk chair... it was given to me in 1991 by my friend George during my chemo treatments... He wanted me to have a comfortable chair to sit in while at my desk....It was a Herman Miller chair... I have no idea what model but it was comfortable and sturdy and it was something I wanted to keep... now... gone...
Pictures that were displayed on the entertainment unit... gone... Nick at 3 with a branch over his head pretending to have antlers... gone... My brother's wedding... gone...picture of my dad and Nick... gone... Ali at the beach... gone... How do you put a price on those things...? There is a line that is marked "large tote"... missing... hmmmm.... I wonder what I packed in that?.... Maybe it was linens... maybe it was shoes... maybe it was kitchen items... there is another line item marked dishpack... hmmmmm .... I have lived without those items for several months... and it's not the fact that I need those items or I have to have them... it's that they just slipped out of my life... I didnt discard them... they are just... gone....
I'm over whelmed at the prospect of filling out this claim form!! That really is the bottom line... I just don't know how to itemize the contents of the missing pieces....hmmmm....

At Home... Finally

The question is ... "What makes a home?" Is it the place that you sleep? Not really, I slept in a couple of places here and it didn't feel like home. Is it the things you accumulate in life? Could be.. but the things I accumulated before all my stuff from storage came didn't really make me feel any more at home. Is it your family? That could be a big part of it....But for me, moving into my permanent place, and having my stuff arrive from storage, I can now say that Boulder feels like home to me... and I think the reason is that I finally have a place to set up as mine... with my belongings, my pictures, my bed. A place of my choosing, that suites me, with my familiar things. I have family here... (Nick arrived last week), my uncle is here now, my brother and his family are here; my parents have been here for an extended stay; I am making friends here, and can find my way around. But mostly the reason I feel at home is... I have a love of where I am....
In these 4 months, I have found so many things about Boulder that I love... 1 thing is ... that I love the mountains! I never tire of looking at them... they amaze me, comfort me, thrill me, startle me... I always find them interesting to look at... I gaze at them constantly... when I'm driving or I'm in an area where I don't see them (and that is only for an instant because they are so imposing, they certainly don't hide!) and then they reappear, I'm startled by their beauty and grandeur. I love hiking in them... I can make the same hike every week... but yet the path will look different to me... the color of the grass will change, new flowers will be in bloom... the cactus may appear more abundant... the sky may look different... always blue... but more clouds... less clouds... angry clouds...no clouds... the air is hot and dry down here at the base... but at some point on the way up... the air turns noticeably cooler and there is always a breeze...it seems to happen at just the moment when you think it's just too hot to make it up to the top... and then ... the cool breeze comes and you feel rejuvenated... the sun is brilliantly hot... I love how from the path you can see all of Boulder spread out before you... you can see Denver of to the east...and on a clear day you can see the airport... I love that on a hike, people may stop to chat with you... that they maybe hiking with their dogs, or young children, or even babies! I love being outdoors... I have been here 4 months and have only been to the mall 1 time to shop... that just amazes me... I love malls and believe me, this is a nice mall! But I just haven't found the time to go there...

I love the people here... I love that there are all types of people and they mingle, mix, live, work , play, shop, all in the same place... with a seeming generosity of spirit... with a tolerance toward diversity... maybe that's idealistic...but everyone seems pretty accepting of people... the rasta guy is in line next to the preppy guy, who is next to the skater guy, next to the woman in her sari...I love that the pirate guy will be walking next to the business guy and no one blinks... Shoot, I love that there is a pirate guy! In Boulder no less! Or maybe I should say... in Boulder... of course! Nick said it best as we were walking down Pearl Street (and saw the pirate guy)"I have really missed all the weird people in Boulder!" I love how conscious people seem to be of the environment, recycling; that there are bike lanes all over town and there is a difference between the pedestrian lane and the bike lane... I love that there are special prime parking spots for electric or hybrid cars... and that the dress is always casual... flip flops are always ok... or not... whatever your preference may be...I love that most people here have come here from other places because they wanted a change in their life and found it here... I love the expression that everyone utters here... "no worries"... I love that drivers know what to do at a 4 way stop... Of course I still drive like an "east coaster"... lol... I was talking about driving here with a guy that has lived here for 5 years now, and his comment was yes... people are low key on the road and he "still drives like an asshole"... ok so my aggressive driving habits may take some time to change...

So... what makes a home? Yes, it seems to partly be the things that I have accumulated throughout life that mean something to me... and yes it's partly that I have family here... and yes a big part is that I'm in a place that suites me... but I think the main reason that makes this place has become "home" to me... is that I have slowly discovered all the things I love about being here...I have opened my heart to this place and allowed myself to love it...so now...
Yep... Boulder has become home...

2 Classics - 1 Weekend

This weekend brought me back to Red Rocks to see Bob Dylan...I was still amazed by the beauty of the place... but this time I sat farther back and my view of the stage included the city of Denver in the background... watching the lights come on all over the city while listening to Bob Dylan well... that's pretty cool! It was amazing to see Bob Dylan!...I hadn't seen him since I was 16... his voice is shot... and he made no connection with the audience...he didn't even introduce his amazing band until the 1st encore... but the songs he sang and the fact that he wrote music that was so important to an entire generation... well... I was blown away... from "Everybody must get Stoned"...(and trust me... they did!) , "Tangled up in Blue", "Don't Think Twice", to "All Along the Watchtower"... I just kept saying to myself... "that's Bob Dylan"...WOW!!! Another great show in a great place...

Saturday... I had to get my copy of Harry Potter... someone told me that the college book store would be a good place to buy the book... as there are not a lot of students on campus yet... and the book store would have plenty of books... so I did... (paid full price... yikes) and I had my book! I ran all the errands that I needed to... I went to Costco... (the book was 1/2 the price), got my snacks, and by 6:30 -7:00 I was settled in... I continued reading until I finished the book at 9pm on Sunday... It was delicious, fabulous, wonderful!... It was pure luxury to sit and read a good book for the entire weekend! Now... I'm having a little Harry Potter withdrawl...hmmm... maybe I'll start ll over again when I get my things...
Anyway... 2 classics... 1 weekend... pretty cool..

I've got to admit it's getting better...

A little better all the time...
I love The Beatles.... and while I'm not an angry young man... and I haven't been cruel... that part of the chorus certainly seems apt... I have had my sad Boulder moments... but as a friend reminded me the other day... we do tend to write when feeling down... so I thought it would be good to write when things are going well... and they are... things really are getting better... a little better all the time... (can't get much worse...).I've learned so much about myself being here... my likes and dislikes... what I can tolerate and what I can't... but the biggest thing I've learned is really about being on my own.. .while I know that being alone too much doesn't really renew my spirit... I've learned that I can appreciate and not fear being alone... I was reminded that one needs to learn to be completely comfortable being alone... and after my lowest point, I think that I am comfortable in that...so ..."a little better all the time..."

Red Rocks Rocks!!

Last night I went to see Lyle Lovett at Red Rocks Amphitheatre... What an amazing place.... 2 huge sandstone monoliths on either side and a sandstone backdrop form the natural amphitheatre. In reading the history of the place... there were performances there as far back as the early 1900's. The CCC and WPA built the permanent structures and it was officially opened in 1941. The woman that sat next to me said the acoustics are so good that when exploring the place ( and you can come anytime) if you stand on the stage, speak and be heard at the back.
So imagine the natural beauty, the stars in the Colorado night sky, and top it all off.... fabulous music.... well that would have been enough... but there is more... we got back stage passes and met Lyle Lovett!! what a gracious man... not only talented...but warm and friendly.... We were hanging out downstairs in the room where the band members and their guests meet and we were getting ready to leave... Lyle Lovett came over with his hand extended and said "Hi, I'm Lyle" I was my usual stammering self... How cool was that! Pretty darn cool!

Sobbing at 6,000'

When will I learn from my mistakes... when will I be able to reveal my feelings as mine without hurting another... I just don't know... God, I hope it's soon... I pray make it soon... I guess the one positive thing is... ( and that is certainly backhanded for I don't really see any positive!) I did say how I feel... but ultimately it was not quite correct or true ... for how I truly feel is much more painful than what I was able to reveal at that time... I feel alone, without a "touch-stone" in the world... with out a place in the world... in a beautiful place, but not belonging...feeling like ... this is the place I'm supposed to be, but not knowing where I fit... and no one to share it with... that was part of how great Ali's visit was... I could show her this amazing place... I could share that with her... Maybe that exacerbated, or intensified how alone I felt when she was gone... Maybe the lesson I should learn is Never, ever, under any circumstances, push the send button... I can't believe the lesson is to never share your feelings... how do you do that?... I guess it's very tricky... when do you feel safe enough to reveal? ... how do you do it without hurting someone else?... not having much experience in that area, I just don't know... I don't know what to do with that pain... I take responsibility for what I did... I cant take it back... it's out there... and I can't really make it better...

So I guess the lesson is in loss.... now that is something I have already experienced a lot of... familiar territory for me... all too familiar...

I took a hike today... it was hot... and the trail looked really different in just the week from when I had last hiked it... but maybe it was just my frame of mind... I'm just soooo incredibly sad... I am sad for the mistake I made, I'm sad that I hurt a friend... and at the very bottom of this sadness... is the ultimate truth... I am lonely!!! this is not how I get my energy... I miss my friend... that would have been the proper and correct thing to say... yes I believe what I said... but at the bottom... here is the truth... I feel that way out of loneliness....out of missing them... out of my loss of contact and that "touch-stone"...

So the good thing about hiking alone... and being on this particular trail is... you can just sit down and sob... I mean wail... and only the birds, lizards, mountains, trees, rocks, and grass can hear... and so... that is exactly what I did....and I the mountain answered... with dark clouds and thunder.... I made it to the top and back down before the rain...

After I got to the bottom and to the car... after I had prayed and pleaded with God to help me... to answer me... to show me what to do... I headed up the canyon to Nederland... because... I couldn't make a left turn to go home so, I thought ... "well I'll make a right and turn around when I can"... but I didn't turn around... I just kept driving... up and up... driving toward the sunshine and clean air... When I arrived in Nederland... I went to the rock shop, then on to the deli... where ... surprise surprise... someone knew me... from the dentist office! He made me a great sandwich. I then went to the stained glass shop and met Susane again... I met her briefly last month... she told me her story of coming to CO... leaving her home and friends and career to be here... that sounded very familiar... When I walked into her shop today... she greeted me with a big hug... and I cried again... this time at 8200'...

I believe God puts people in our paths...You know, I think maybe that's my lesson...My lesson is to reach out... I'm just not very good at it yet... I reached out in one way... and it turned out that I hurt someone because I didn't do in the proper way... I reached out in another way by driving to Nederland and going to Susane's shop.... I left with a couple of stained glass pieces... a new mantra that she gave me... and a new connection....

I ended the day in Nederland with a couple of beers, listening to music, and watching the sunset over the Rockies. That was beautiful...

The sadness is still here... so are the tears... I'm crying still... but... I'm open... I'm broken down... I guess... I'm ready....I'm listening... I'm hopeful....I'm thankful...

visits from home

My daughter is here for a visit and while we haven't lived in the same home for quite a while, she is home to me... home is where the heart is... Anyway.. it's so fabulous to have her here... and show her some of my new home... she hasn't been out here since she was a young girl. .. And she brought me treats from the east... James Salt Water Taffy from Atlantic City (oh the memories of being a young girl in AC) and coffee from the Italian market.

7/6/07

Ali and I were a whirlwind of activity while she was here... up mountains, down mountains, climbing mountains, Shakespeare outdoors, cirque de solieau, pearl street, fireworks ( natural and man-made) , tours of Coors and Celestial Seasons (ahhh the mint room-brings tears to my eyes)... Ali put it best..."You are showing me everything, like you're worried I won't come back for another visit"... kinda true...lol... but I think she had fun and really could see what draws me to this place....people and surroundings.... and I do believe she will come back for another visit... she is my heart and home... what a fabulous woman she is!

As time goes by....

Well... I've been in Boulder for 6 weeks, left G'burg 2 weeks before that, and sold my home 2 weeks before that....so it's been a while since:
a) I've seen my stuff
b) since I've had a home
but time has a way of easing some pains, playing with one's memory, and also tugging on your heart.
I'm continuing to explore Boulder and am enjoying the "great outdoors" and weather here.
4 weeks and 6 days... I took my first hike up the mountain in Chatacqua...Rusty had said climb Royal Arch and take a picture... so I did.... Amazing!!!... from the top you can see all the way to Denver (about 25 miles away)... on a really clear day... (the first hike) you can see the airport , which is even farther. The arch itself is pretty amazing and it makes you wonder how 2 massive sand stone structures can be linked together like that... met at the exact angle to create that arch millions of years ago....it's just beautiful... the climb itself, as I have learned, is of moderate difficulty, due to the rise in altitude in the mile it takes to reach the arch... just over 1200 feet. so it can be steep in some places... My first hike up, took 2 1/2 to 3 hours... and just about an hour on the way down... I was incredibly sore for the next 3 days! lol... but I made it to the top! I did send a couple of pictures to Rusty and he didn't know who they were from! He called my cell... asked "who is this?" "I thought someone was sending me pictures from an airplane..." I did the hike again this past week and am not as sore..actually.. I'm not sore... and I improved my time by an hour on the way up and 20 mins on the way down! The weather this past week was weird.. we had a huge wind storm ... 100 mile an hour winds... all night long... power went out here and also at work.... just strange... but I also had a hard week emotionally... I'm lonely...
Sometimes I feel like I'm in "no mans land" I can't go home again... and I haven't quite made it here... I'm not much of a "joiner"... but I will have to do something to meet people... I just don't know what yet.... for now ... I'm just going to continue to do the things I like... I'll go hiking... I bought a trail book and map... this city is just filled with trails! I will join a gym... I'm moving to my new temp place on Friday... I think I'm going to buy a bike and I can bike to work and around... I am soooooooo looking forward to Alison coming out for a visit! That is keeping me going. I just can't wait to share the town with her and spend time with her. To see someone that I love and someone that loves me... that is something I truly miss...
My head knows that this is an adventure for me, a time to grow, discover... I can see and acknowledge that this is a blessing for me... I will and am growing as a person... but my heart... ahhh.... that's a different scenario... It's breaking... or maybe not breaking... it's broken... and I haven't been able to fix it, or patch it, or just rebuild yet... Maybe that's the thing... that's the lesson to learn.. how to do it "myself" ... I'm looking for a friend... a kind word... a playmate... someone to hang with... maybe the lesson is "do it on your own" or "learn to nurture and care for me and my own heart as I would for someone else"... hmmmm.... either way...
this is what I do know.... the mountains make me smile... the vastness of the sky makes me smile... the intensity of the weather... makes me smile... the smallness of the town... makes me smile... a good hike ... makes me smile...
so I think those things are a good start....

4 weeks + 1 day-possibilities

I think I have to revise something from my last entry. It is not Friendship that I miss.. I have that ... I mean I have many wonderful friends that I keep in touch with... so I did misspeak (lol... if that's a word) I miss companionship... that is really more of it... I miss the "hey what are you doing tonight? do you want to _____ fill in the blank... But here is thing that I realized as a new day dawned... I have felt that way for a long, long, long time... Terry and I would debate the idea of companionship often... For me, it feels like a void in my soul....Sure, I could "cover up" the void in any number of ways...I would call, go, do, and then the void was ignored or I was distracted from it for a while... but I was none the less trying to "fill the void". Here, so far from familiar surroundings, I can't distract myself from it... It is here, it exists, it is mine... and I feel it, there are no distractions from it. I believe in so many ways, it was the impetus of the journey... So I think the answer is to maybe embrace it, care for it, nurture it... heal... and then "live as if"... as if everything I've wanted is already here... Just that thought makes me smile....I believe it is my blessing... it is the thing that will "take me to the next place in my life"
Here is a new day... the sky is a brilliant Boulder Blue, the clouds are big and puffy, people are out and about celebrating ... Bolder Boulder (10K race) is underway, with a variety of performers playing all over town... the mountain trail is there for the hiking... the possibilities are endless... and I am .... thankful for all that is before me and all that brought me here...

4 weeks in Boulder

So... today it's official... 4 weeks in Boulder... In these 4 weeks I have, found a place to live, found a job, tried to do some hiking, found a short term rental to get me thru to my official rental, and have done A LOT of shopping at Target! Boulder is a pretty cool town... I have managed to find my way around... it's small enough to do that... it's small enough that, if you see a unique character in one place... you notice them when you see them again in another place... The Flatirons are beautiful... The front range is breathtaking... each day, as I'm on my way to work, I look to my left, and see these amazing mountains as a back drop to life here... as I sit at the front desk of the DDs office and answer phones, I watch the storm clouds come over the mountains... but... it is lonely... I realized, after the 2nd week, why I was at Target everyday... It's a place that feels familiar to me... It reminds me of home... I can appreciate now, that the journey here, was the easy part... I thought that was the adventure... Nope... this... trying to create a life here, not knowing anyone... is the adventure... and it is the hardest thing I have ever done... Most days, I am excited by the prospect... I am comforted by the sight of the mountains and the sky... I have lunch most days at Whole Foods... and sit out with a book, eat and look at the mountains...But I will admit, I have had my breakdowns... I'm a social creature... I know that about me... I like people, I like time alone as well... but I also need social interactions... and that is just not here yet... Back home I had the choice of whether to be alone or not... here...no choice... alone it is... Maybe that's part of the test... to see if I really can "be alone" maybe that's what I need to prove to myself... I can "be alone", I can create a life that is mine... hmmmm.... well I am optimistic... most days... but after 4 weeks... the beauty of the mountains, the clear sky... the crisp air... is great... but ... I miss my life... I miss my friends... I miss people to go out with... I have driven across 2/3-3/4 of the country myself... I've learned to go to dinner alone... I've learned to go sight seeing alone... I've learned to go to festivals and fairs alone... I haven't learned to go to a bar alone yet... but I find that I miss doing those things with a friend. I miss conversations with friends... thank goodness friends from home still do call me... so I still have those conversation... I hope they don't dwindle all together... I have a great opportunity to explore here, and I am doing that, this is something totally new... and I do believe new is good... but as my brother said to me... "You're a homey... get out and have fun!" I realize that I am a homey... and I'm trying to get out and have fun... but ... I miss FRIENDSHIP!! I didn't realize how hard that would be for me. I thought that I'm an outgoing person... I would make friends... and I feel positive that I will... but... not yet... not in 4 weeks...
so while I feel like I've accomplished alot in these 4 weeks... there is sooo much more to go...
I have faith that it will come... I'm open to the possibilites of the world... I recognize that I can't go home... that I'm out here to create a home ... a life... I'm in a funny, in between place at the moment... A woman without a home... without a place to belong to... I feel it's out there waiting for me... I know it... I just have to find it... I just have to make it... or maybe... I just have to be and allow it to come to me...
4 weeks in Boulder... more to come

Santa Fe

Santa Fe was really beautiful....the drive from Albuquerque was beautiful... the mountains were beautiful, the sky was beautiful... that word just seems to become trite when trying to describe the scenery...but it's funny to look at all the pictures I was taking from the car as I was trying to drive... it just seemed at every turn... beauty was just all around... I arrived in Santa Fe after about an hour on the road from Albuquerque and getting gas and jewelery (lol) at the Santa Domingo Pueblo. I tried to check into the hotel, but the room was not ready yet, so I decided to go to Bandelier National Park...I love National Parks... and this was no exception! It's in the mountains and pine forest, and there are paths to the preserved pueblos. You can see pteroglyphs, kiva's and climb ladders to see inside. It was great... there is also a path that leads to a ceremonial kiva carved into the side of the mountain... there were 3 ladders to climb up 140' ... yikes!! you then reach the top and then climb down into the kiva... it was great... a hard climb for me... but i did it!!! thank goodness i was wearing a hat, so I could only see the next rung... i couldn't see up and I certainly wasn't looking down until I reached the top!! It took awhile to catch my breath once I reached the top.. I didn't realize till the next day, that Santa Fe is at an elevation of 7,00o'. So it wasn't entirely that I am sooo out of shape...anyway, after making my way down, (which is almost harder than climbing up), and hiking back to the car... I made my way back to the hotel, showered and went out on foot in search of a marguerita and food.... Ultimately I found both... walked back to the hotel and collapsed!!
I was so sick of being in my car, that the next day, I decided to cancel all the things on my agenday that had to do with driving and just hang out in the town...and it is a great little town... you can shop for hours....on the sidewalk at The Palace of Governors, Native Americans set out blankets with their wares, mostly jewelery, and it was great to browse... I, of course, had to buy a pair of turquoise earrings. They are beautiful... There was a HUGE thunderstorm so I ducked into the museum at the Palace of Governors, and learned a bit of the history of Santa Fe... which is fascinating.. the Palace of Governors was built in 1610 and is the oldest building that is still in continuous use... So many cultural influences there... Spanish... Native American... it was great... I felt bad that I didn't make it to all the places on my list, but I know that I will go back there... It was a very special place...
I found a great Tex Mex place for dinner... A local favorite... the best marguerittas and the food wasn't bad either...lol... instead of chips and salsa on the table tho... they had, not bread, but dough, like a soppapilla (?) with out the sweet... of course ... YUM!
I got up early the next morning.... I wanted to make it to Boulder to see Nick's lacrosse game, so I was in my car at 7:30, but in keeping with the "bad directions in New Mexico, I wasn't on the highway until 8:15. I will admit that at the 40 min mark of being lost, I was getting annoyed... lol. Just as I found a gas station to ask directions, I saw the highway sign...
Entering Colorado from the south is breath taking.... The mountains are amazing! the view is like the one etched ont he quarters... rugged, snow covered... amazing.... and even with getting lost... I made it in time to see 3/4 of the game...
I had arrived!!!

The Road to New Mexico

It was a long, straight road from Oklahoma to New Mexico... You could actually see the point in Oklahoma when the terrain changed from green to desert-like. The land was pretty flat and green in Ok... the soil the color like deep burnt orange, and there was a section where there were alot of windmills... they looked like giant airplane propellers...lol... kind of like a "wind farm" I guess...I kept trying to take pictures of them as I drove....but gradually, by the pan handle of OK, the soil turned lighter and lighter and the lush green grass gave way to what looked like a light covering of green grass... just really a superficial covering of grass. By TX, the green had turned to beige, some green and assorted brush... My original plan was to get boots in Amarillo, but I since I had such a long drive... I just blew thru TX. But soon after passing the largest cross, and Amarillo, I began to see some plateaus... and then by the time I entered NM, the landscape looked like a western movie... the green grass was gone, and the land looked dry and covered with shrubs... tree covered mountains appeared... by Albuquerque, there was a snow covered mountain in the distance! It was beautiful! I had lunch in Tucumcari, NM... I couldn't resist... It was right out of the old Little Feat song, Willin'... "...I've been from Tuscon to Tucumcari..." anyway... I checked my oil and was a bit low... I found a service station on the old historic Rte 66 and had the oil checked... He thought I should wait until a full quart was necessary... I told him I was on my way to CO... asked if I would make it... thougthfully he replied.."I hope so..." lol... I then asked if I could get back on 40 west from here... he looked at me and said ....."I thought you were heading to CO?...that's the wrong way.." lol... he really thought I was a nut!
I made it to Albuerque by 5:00 and found the hotel easily... The city is surrounded by these beautiful mountains. After talking to Linda's friend, I thought maybe I'd check in, wash my face, and head back out for a glass of wine in the "old square" downtown to watch the sunset... I got directions from the desk... and thus began one of my realizations about NM... They give terrible directions! I followed the map...went up and down the streets... and couldn't find any "downtown". I kept thinking... "sheesh.. I've followed a map all the way from Gaithersburg, how come I can't find this?!" There weren't even any signs for the downtown area. I ended up, at....Macaroni Grill...(it was on the map the hotel provided)....lol... and sat outside, had 2(!) glasses of wine and watched the sunset... talked to the waitress about the mountain in front of me and discovered at the peak, there is a tram and you could drive up there... I asked how to get there... she didn't know... (lol)... it was a pleasant evening...
Anyway... this has been a week on the road! I've sure seen a lot... been places I've never been.... done it on my own... It's been exhilarating and sometimes lonely..but all in all a fabulous experience! On to Santa Fe!

Oklahoma...OK...

Day 6- Wednesday- Gosh can that really be? Day 6? Anyway... The drive from Arkansas to Oklahoma was beautiful... While Little Rock was pretty flat, once I crossed the Arkansas River, I could see Pinnacle Mountain. It was surprising to see a mountain peak in the middle of the otherwise flat terrain. The remaining ride was long but lovely... green, rolling hills, the Ozarks in the distance, at least for awhile.... I saw a nuclear power plant along the way. Once I arrived in Oklahoma City, I decided to go to the National Cowboy and Western Heritage Museum. I only had an hour but thought it could be interesting. (They were very serious about closing on time at 5:00 precisely!) It was such a nice museum... It had beautiful paintings of the west... a large collection of Charles Russell and Frederic Remington paintings and sculptures, a large collection of Native American artifacts and paintings, and an exhibit on actors of the west(which I didn't get to see). I don't recall ever seeing or knowing about Charles Russell, he painted (in oil and watercolor), sketched and sculpted. I particularly liked his oils and the sky in all the paintings was so vibrant. Turquoise and purples... the west certainly is very colorful in his paintings! Remington was another surprise for me... I was particularly interested in seeing his black and white oils...I had never seen that before... they were really interesting, shades of gray! The museum also looked like it had a great gift shop, but since I only had an hour... I didn't get a chance to go in...(Drat!) If you ever find yourself here in Okla Cit, I would recommend a visit. The weather that held me up last night and this morning, gave way to blue skies and puffy white clouds, but just outside of Okla City, the clouds became heavy and gray, the wind picked up and now it's really chilly.
Tomorrow I have a rather long day ahead of me... around 525 miles... (actually hotel door to hotel door from AAA it's 541 miles). They say it will take around 7.75 hours. I decided that since tomorrow will be such a long day, I'm going to spend the night in Albuquerque and go to Santa Fe the following morning... so until tomorrow....
Happy Trails!

Little Rock

Ok... well being flexible is what a road trip should be about.... and I am flexible...My original intent, was to travel to Little Rock, tour the Clinton Library, and then continue on to Oklahoma City and stay the night there... But.... it took longer to get to Little Rock than I had planned, and the weather men were calling for severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings for the area I was planning to travel into... So I heeded to common sense (and the advice of my weather friends) and held up here in Little Rock after the tour of the library... It's giving me a nice respite from the road, and time to do my laundry... Clean clothes will make me so happy.... aahhhh life's simple pleasures... lol...
The Clinton Library is beautiful... very spacious with a cantilever part of the building over the river and it does just what a presidential library should do... promote the legacy of the president...and what a legacy Clinton has...I love him! The library is set up in a time line...and goes year by year... there is an incredible amount of information available thru interactive displays... and say what you want about Bill... he is extremely charismatic and the world seemed to like him... Too bad that the measure of the man seems to be about his sex life rather than the accomplishments of his administration.
As I have done on all the previous legs of this trip, I booked the hotel in the morning... That way I have a destination and am not spending the afternoon flipping thru the book and figuring out where I'm staying... So I had the desk person, make the reservation at the hotel in Little Rock. I'm unfamiliar with the area, and the hotel that I selected was booked... so he selected one that he had been to... Well I had a devil of a time finding it... and found myself cursing and railing against the guy who booked this place and the guy here who was trying to give me directions... I was railing against how stupid it was that there was no place to eat... that I was lost on a dirt road with only construction... that I kept turning around... The funny part was that when I finally entered the hotel, it was great.... I have a nice room, a nice desk, free internet, laundry facilities, hot tamales at the check in desk ( always a bonus) and mini chips ahoy cookies waiting in the room! What could be better...
So I will analyze the map and figure out where the next stop will be... I think it will be Oklahoma City...
Stay tuned... tomorrow's another day!

Greetings from Graceland...

Day 5 - Monday- Greetings from Graceland!
I arrived at Graceland this afternoon, after an uneventful ride from Nashville. The terrain is starting to change... gentle rolling hills... Goodbye Smokey Mts...Hello... plains?... I felt like the mountains were "gentle giants". Not jagged like the Rockies... but because of all the trees, they seemed to have "soft edges"...
Anyway back to Graceland... It is really right in the middle of a pretty developed area... I'm sure originally it was way out there... but now... Graceland just sits right on the highway... Elvis Presley Highway. It was sort of odd walking thru a house sooo preserved in the 70's. First, just the style... shag carpet... the colors... the dark wood in the kitchen that is preserved in avocado and gold.... the fuzzy round white bed...but, secondly... the technology... I grew up in the 60's and 70's and it's odd to think of how far technology has come in just 30 years... the size of the televisions... the stereo... eight tracks... those were so advanced then... now they are so antiquated. The monitors used to show video clips were flat screen TVs... juxtaposed with 70's technology. Then there was the cost of things... the receipt for a Ferrari was $20,000. Sheesh, add another zero for it today... the title for a car and the address was just ...Graceland ... Highway 51, Memphis, no other address necessary.
I came away marveling at Elvis' accomplishments... how talented he was and certainly with a new appreciation for all of his music. Whether I liked it all or not, I did come away with an Elvis CD.
I decided to stay downtown on Beal Street. The street was closed to cars and there was music playing in all the clubs I passed... I had Memphis BBQ in Blues City Cafe...Yummm (across the street from BB Kings Blues Club), and walked to the park to listen to the blues band that was playing outside... Sort of reminded me of New Orleans... music and beer outside...This could be a fun city to hang out in, but with someone... it felt a bit sketchy to me... and I was a little uncomfortable out there by myself...
I forgot to add my favorite thing people have said to me in Memphis when I've asked for directions... "If you've gone over a really big bridge, you've gone to far." I guess I'd notice if I crossed the Mississippi!
I am enjoying my adventure so far... I have a hard time remembering what day it is... which is why I put it at the top... so I can remember... but I sometimes feel like the "Accidental Tourist". So far, I have made sure I stay at the same hotel at each stop... I know what to expect. It will be comfortable... clean... safe... free internet...
I guess that's the best of both worlds... I get to experience each new area and then lay my head down in a really comfortable bed!!!
So far... it's been fun...
Tomorrow... Little Rock to see the Clinton Library and then on to Oklahoma City...

The road to Nashville

Day 3 -Saturday - involved going from Asheville to Nashville. Seemed like it would be an easy task...it is not to far, maybe a 4 hour drive... The day was gorgeous and I had made a list of the things I wanted to do and see in Nashville...

Another thing I discovered about myself is that I enjoy driving... especially on a beautiful day... The sunroof open... the windows down... the radio blaring... and me singing, driving and enjoying the scenery. Saturday was such a day... bright sunshine... gorgeous scenery... I decided since I had plenty of time (no timetable for me) that part of my drive would be thru Great Smokey Mtn. National Park... exit the Park in Gaitlinburg, go back in the Park, exit the park in Pigeon Forge, and then take a smaller road (which I had hoped would be scenic) to Nashville... Well..... the park is beautiful.... I love National Parks... there are always overlooks and paved roads... and accessible to all.... Gaitlinburg (seemed like a cute little town).. was bustling with people walking the sidewalks. I stopped at a gas station to make sure my directions were correct and reentered the park to continue on to Pigeon Forge and then to Knoxville where I'd get back on the highway to Nashville. Everything was going smoothly when all of the sudden I came to a complete stop in the park... I got stuck in the biggest traffic jam entering Pigeon Forge. I couldn't figure it out... I think I was in my own country music song.... "I'm stuck in Pigeon Forge agin" There were thousands of people out and about... on both sides of the highway... there were camping chairs set up on the side of the road on both sides... and there were cars for sale on either side of the road... I just couldn't figure it out... I thought "Maybe it's Dolly Day"... "maybe there's a parade"... I found out later it was a car swap... Anyway... the 4 hour trip turned out to be an 8 hour drive... but I arrived... and the good news is that I don't have a time table... I can take detours... and "ENJOY THE RIDE!" Since it did take so long to get to Knoxville, I did take a quick drive by the University of Tenn campus...Their stadium seemed huge!
Once in Nashville, I decided to go see the 9:30 show at the Grand Ole Opry... It was really fun... I don't know much about country music, but I did recognize several names... Porter Wagner, Pam Tillis, Marty Stuart, Kelly Pickler (yes... American Idol fame). The one thing I did find a bit disappointing was that the Grand Ole Opry is now located in a huge complex outside of town... It reminded me of Broadway on the Beach in Myrtle Beach... Not knowing alot about country music.. this is an institution that I recognize, and it seems to me that something that had such a huge impact on the music is now in a large shopping mall, seemed kind of sad... I understand that they want to serve lots of people and the staff is very nice and accommodating... It was just a little disappointing... but not terrible... and the evening was still very fun...
Just a quick note about how nice people are... I arrived early for the show and was starving... (I hadn't had time to eat) I went into the gift shop and asked a woman who worked there if there was a place to eat... Since there really wasn't a place, she offered to walk into the Opry house and get a sandwich for me from the concession stand. That was just so nice! People are just great!

Day 4- Sunday - Nashville
I was debating last night and this morning whether I was going to stay in Nashville for the whole day... I'm so glad I did...I had already planned on going to The Hermitage in the morning but thought that I may just go to Memphis after that. I shared a table at breakfast this morning with a guy in the hotel, and he was saying how fun the downtown area is... so after touring Andrew Jackson's house I went downtown... It really is fun! The main street is lined with bars, boot shops, record shops, tourist stores, etc... Music just pours out into the streets. I had a beer in 2 bars and then made my way back to the parking lot... turning down one street early and ran into a large crowd in front of the Country Music Hall of Fame... Winona Judd!! Now that's a country star I know! Got a pix of her... hope I can figure out how to download it!
Tomorrow .... Graceland!

Day 2 - 4/20

Today I went to the Biltmore Estate. What an amazing place... 300 rooms, over 4 acres of space inside... built in 1895... grounds designed by Frederick Olmstead... really all I can say is amazing! It is a creation... not a home or a mansion, but truly a creation. To think it was built in the middle of the mountains, on such an immense scale and no modern equipment or roads... it is a marvel. I spent the entire day there... After touring the house... I walked the grounds and gardens... then drove to the winery where they were having a wine tasting of their wines... spent some time drinking wine and listening to some music at the outdoor cafe... all in all a great way to spend the day... Remarkable creation in the midst of the Smokey Mountains...
So I made it thru day 2 on my own... here is what I've learned about travelling by myself so far...
1- When eating dinner, always bring something to do... it's boring sitting in a restaurant by yourself! Breakfast and lunch for some reason isn't bad, but dinner... well you just need something... so either bring a book, a map to plan the next days travels, a journal... etc.

I'm sure I'll come up with others... but so far that's it... dining alone at dinner seems to be more of a challenge than the other meals.

Till the next time....

And so it begins....

The idea began as something so small and simple... "move and change your life". It became a little bigger and more concrete when the house went on the market... a little more concrete and loomed larger when there was a contract on the home...I won't even mention what it felt like when the movers came to move my home! But today, it grew exponentially, and became gigantic in nature as ...THE ROAD TRIP BEGAN!!

I left Gaithersburg, MD at 10:15 this morning; later than anticipated... No need to mention the delay due to returning the crummy ipod car connector... The weather seemed to suit my mood... grey, cold, and on the verge of tears, but amazingly, the road just unfolded before me... as if to say, "it's ok... this is alright... it's the right thing... I know this may sound odd, but it felt like ...just follow... no traffic jams, no delays, just keep moving... and I did! Even the couple of torrential downpours, didn't slow me down!
The mountains are beautiful... not in the rugged Rockies sort of way...but they are beautiful and full of trees. Everything is blossoming and the grass is so green. Just beautiful...
Ok... tomorrow the Biltmore Estate, maybe the vineyard, and maybe downtown... Saturday... it's off to Nashville and the Grand Ole Opry...(How weird is that!) Exciting, but a little weird...
I'm off!