joys of music

On this beautiful day....I spent the day downloading music... (Jackie Greene is still my fav...downloaded a new album but still can't stop listenting to American Myth!)...listening to music... reading...totally sucked into my book...
I had great plans... Walk on Pearl... Go to the REI... go to the pool... but none of things happened... I slipped my ipod on... and just couldn't move... Part of it really is this fear of going to the pool... I know it will do my leg good...(achy and stiff as ever!)... and getting in the hot tub will be great... maybe will help me bend.... but I can't figure out how to even get in...uhm... ladders... no! (I tried that when Jez got stuck, I made it to the the first rung and Nick had to rescue her!)... and top that with the fear of slipping... I just don't see how to do it... or get past it... maybe tomorrow... lol... nah... I already made plans so I won't have to do then... ok... maybe next weekend....

Pins and Needles...

It seems that 4 years after Nick suffered a break of his scaphoid, he is still having trouble with his wrist... At first, it just seemed that he had a loss of mobility...but as of late, he not only has very limited mobility, he now has pain... After a consult and an xray... it is revealed that he will need surgery to correct a lack of blood flow to that area! Incredible...he will have what is called a "vascular graft". A procedure that will take bone with blood supply and graft it to the deadened areas of his wrist.... YIKES!! I'm on pins and needles until we meet with the surgeon next week....

Hard times at Boulder PT

I have hit the wall... and it is depressing, hard, emotionally and physically too tough.... I thought I could pull it out... just keep going... but ... I have really hit the wall... there are just too many things to overcome... if it's not my knee... it's my ankle... if it's not my ankle... of course it's my shoulder... if it's not my shoulder .... it's my foot... I'm just too beat... I quit... I quit...I QUIT!!!
I even had my therapist in tears... but ... I just can't do it anymore... I hurt...

Okay... maybe I wont quit for good... but at least for today...and maybe for a while... or at least until my next session.... or until I have cried all my tears...

I did get an encouraging call from a friend and a package from another... those two things came at just the right time... when I was guilty of just piling on... ya know... just keep on adding more disappointments on top... might as well make it HUGE!!!!

Oh well... Maybe I'll be ready to tackle it again... UGH!!!!
But not yet and certainly not today....

Yom Kippur - Day of Atonement

Today is Yom Kippur the Day of Atonement... the holiest day in the Jewish religion... I have always loved the evening service that begins Yom Kippur... I think the Kol Nidre service is one of the most beautiful services that I remember in the Jewish religion...Of course, I usually only attend services twice a year... so there in fact may be many other beautiful services... In my many years as an adult, I have always found a way to attend that service... When I was newly married... I used to find a service to attend on my own. When I had young children, I would leave the kids at home and attend the local service... when my marriage ended, the children would attend with me... I took comfort in the ritual... even tho I never fasted, I would pray, atone, and just generally contemplate... and while I always loved the hauntingly beautiful Kol Nidre chant...I began to dislike (maybe that's alittle strong) the actual Yom Kippur service, or should I say the Torah reading that is always on that holiday. Each year I would read the story of Abraham taking his only son Isaac up the mountain to offer him as a sacrifice to G-d...This test of faith began to bother me... Why would G-d ask for that kind of test?... How could G-d ask for that kind of test?...
Last year was my first year in Boulder... and I did not attend any service... I took a beautiful hike on Yom Kippur... atoned and prayed on my own... took my pieces of bread over to the creek to toss away... thought about my journey... wondered where life will take me...
This year... no hike.... no service... plenty of contemplation.... a whole summer filled ... and then today... on Yom Kippur... I began to realize... there is no asking G-d why.... there is no asking G-d how could....
There only is G-d... Belief... and Faith...
Happy New Year... Good Yon Tiv...

Patchwork patterns... make a quilt...

Old patterns.... hmmm...we create them and they provide us with a guide on how we operate... but when they no longer serve us well... how do we let them go?...how do we step into creating new patterns?... and then how do you put old relationships on new ground?.... how do you change dynamics? I certainly can't figure out how to change them... I can analyze them (ad nauseum!)... I can now sort of recognize when they do not serve me... but I can't figure out how to change them.... hmmmm...
I feel like I have an old quilt that is made up of patterns of behavior that served me for a long time... it has kept me somewhat warm, safe, and secure, but now has some very large holes in it; maybe I will just keep adding to it...maybe by creating new patterns of behavior... I will replace some of the worn out and old sections....who knows what that quilt will look like in the end...
So... maybe it's not about changing the relationships... maybe in changing those old patterns...the relationships have already changed... maybe it's a lot more like expectations and acceptance...it's that in letting go of the old patterns... it's about learning how to accept the changes that I have created...

ahhhhh... back to accepting....trying on the new patterns and seeing if or how they fit....
well... I am creating my new quilt...and that part feels good....

Sprinkles on a Cow Pie?

I watched with great interest and bated breath, the VP debates last night... I lived in the DC area for a long time and I love election season... I love the debates... and all the machinations surrounding them...so I was amazed that this woman who chose not to answer questions, sometimes answered with nonsensical sentences, sometimes with totally incorrect answers, and certainly did not present any real substance regarding the McCain/Palin plans for our future.... that .... Pat Buchanan, thought she WON the debate! I was just dumb founded! She won, in his mind, because she was attractive, didn't embarrass herself, and didn't answer questions.... hmmmm.... In my mind, to borrow a phrase from an editorial in the local paper regarding another issue, that is like putting "sprinkles on a cow pie"!. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that in the battle between Looks vs. Substance, Looks would win... but at such an important time in our history, that anyone with 1/2 a brain would rather have Looks over Substance is just depressing... I think that Joe was FABULOUS... he was emotional, passionate, not condescending... he explained all policies... backed them up...He ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS!
Do people that live in other areas think that if you choose not to answer the questions, that's good? If you do answer the questions in a thoughtful and precise manner, is that too "wonky"?
I just don't get it....
How anyone can be "undecided" is beyond my comprehension....I think what the republican party did this evening was exactly this... they put "sprinkles on a cow pie"...