I've been practicing gratitude lately... and when you count your blessings... indeed your spirits are lifted... I am a blessed woman...
I am grateful for my health...I am able to walk after my horrible break... I have been cancer free for 18 years...I am grateful for the health of my family and friends... my parents are doing well...my sister... although fragile... is doing as well as can be expected... but... now... I am confronted by the recurrence of cancer in my dear, dear, friend/sister... she is being strong... positive... willful... her position is that this is just a blip... so... I am practicing "gratitude"... praying ... thanking... that things will "work-out"...
Her Dr. has prescribed her new chemo regiment.... she took her prescription to the pharmacy and because she has a "discount" plan for prescriptions, the chemo will cost $1200 a cycle...She can not afford that.... WHAT!!! ... Life saving, cancer fighting, Dr. prescribed drug... and it is unaffordable?... how can we live with ourselves?! How can anyone say... we do not need health care reform?... WITH a public option....
I just saw an ad here in CO... based on "fear mongering" ... a woman ... a breast cancer survivor... telling women not to vote for a public option for health care reform... because they may have to wait months for care... like in England... where their survival rates are lower... CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS...?!
Yes... I am a survivor...... I am grateful to be a survivor... I am grateful that this woman is a survivor... I'm grateful that she was able to AFFORD her health care that enabled her become a survivor... I wonder... if my cancer were diagnosed today... and I had to follow the same protocol, with my current insurance... how would I do it?... I think I would be bankrupt... as a matter of fact... I am still paying off my broken leg!! So that is another thing I'm grateful for... I'm grateful that at the time of my diagnosis... I was married and was able to AFFORD... good health care coverage...
I am not unique...there are many, many, many people out there stuck with "under" coverage... I am covered if something severe happens to me...and I pay a huge chunk of my paycheck each week to have this coverage, that leaves me with a huge bill at the end of any type of procedure...
Who is benefiting from my insurance payment each month?
Yes... I am grateful that, on this day, at this time... I have coverage... crappy or not... it is coverage... but what about my friend?
"Gratitude is the heart's memory".... she is in my heart...I love this woman... and how can this be that she cannot afford her chemo?... what kind of country are we, that we allow this to happen? ... Every day! And how is it that we produce commercials that tell women... that they could DIE if we change our system... IT IS LUDICROUS! IT'S EMBARRASSING! Why don't they bring up in those commercials all of the people that die purely because they cannot even have their cancers detected because they don't have coverage and no screening is available?! I guess that would not be an effective tactic for them to take.... It makes me feel as if I am living in a third world country!... This is not how we care for our community...
Gratitude...I have so many blessings in my life... I am grateful for my survival, for my family, for my friends... I am grateful for the people and memories I hold in my heart...
I will always hold her in my heart... I will pray, be willful, and positive just as she is...and I will also... pray, be willful and positive that we can change the system to which we and she are held hostage to...
Practicing Gratitude...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Secret to Letting Go... is to Let Go...
Yes... I am learning to let go... In oh so many ways...
Ali was here for a fabulous visit... 10 whole days with my daughter and her boyfriend... It was fantastic... I will admit... it was a little hard to share her 100% the time with her boyfriend... It would have been good to have some one on one time... but really ... I am just thrilled to my core that she was here... and it was great... and she is great... and then... after 10 fabulous days... she had to go home... and ... I let go... she left... and yes... I'm sad... and a few tears were shed...but I let go... and...
It's ok...
I guess I am finally learning some lessons about letting go...One thing I have learned about letting go is that it's painful.... but, as in the case of Ali... the pain of letting go... is mitigated by the pride and love for the beautiful, intelligent, confident, successful woman she has become...for the woman that she is... and by my love for her... So in that regard, while it's not always easy to let go... I see what letting go has done for her... it has allowed her to blossom...and that makes it easier...
But letting go is still hard for me... Ali has been on her own for so many years... and it seems like only recently that I have been able to let go with less of a fight... It really only seems like yesterday that I picked a fight in her dorm room so I could leave... what an exit strategy!...
Somehow, I still seem to struggle with letting go of some things... in particular, relationships that I should be thankful for, but yet ... are gone or really changed... and it makes me angry... and I feel hurt... and yes... I'm thankful that they were there in the past... but they aren't now and I keep trying to make them be there..... I feel like I have tried in so many ways to continue them.. I find myself going back to them repeatedly... and it doesn't work and then I get angry ... and it's a vicious cycle and yet... I don't let go...Why? ... I continue to go back... to as my therapist used to say... "putting your hand back in the tiger's cage...and expecting a different outcome"... While this is not a "tigers' cage"... it is going back to same thing and expecting a different outcome... yes... no matter how many times you add up 1 +1... the answer is still 2...not 3... not 1... lol... I want things to be different than they are...
The reality is... maybe they never were different... I only thought they were... Oh my... I think I've got it!
Really ... I now realize...I am writing of 2 different things... Letting go is about allowing things to flourish and grow.. and allowing oneself to give in to that freedom... the other ... is about loss... and loss is hard.... it hurts... and wanting things to be some other way even if they are not.... Yes... one thing is about letting go.... the other is loss... and I think I now understand something about the differences between the two... loss is something you need to grieve... letting go... I can look forward to... flying...
Now that sounds great!
Ali was here for a fabulous visit... 10 whole days with my daughter and her boyfriend... It was fantastic... I will admit... it was a little hard to share her 100% the time with her boyfriend... It would have been good to have some one on one time... but really ... I am just thrilled to my core that she was here... and it was great... and she is great... and then... after 10 fabulous days... she had to go home... and ... I let go... she left... and yes... I'm sad... and a few tears were shed...but I let go... and...
It's ok...
I guess I am finally learning some lessons about letting go...One thing I have learned about letting go is that it's painful.... but, as in the case of Ali... the pain of letting go... is mitigated by the pride and love for the beautiful, intelligent, confident, successful woman she has become...for the woman that she is... and by my love for her... So in that regard, while it's not always easy to let go... I see what letting go has done for her... it has allowed her to blossom...and that makes it easier...
But letting go is still hard for me... Ali has been on her own for so many years... and it seems like only recently that I have been able to let go with less of a fight... It really only seems like yesterday that I picked a fight in her dorm room so I could leave... what an exit strategy!...
Somehow, I still seem to struggle with letting go of some things... in particular, relationships that I should be thankful for, but yet ... are gone or really changed... and it makes me angry... and I feel hurt... and yes... I'm thankful that they were there in the past... but they aren't now and I keep trying to make them be there..... I feel like I have tried in so many ways to continue them.. I find myself going back to them repeatedly... and it doesn't work and then I get angry ... and it's a vicious cycle and yet... I don't let go...Why? ... I continue to go back... to as my therapist used to say... "putting your hand back in the tiger's cage...and expecting a different outcome"... While this is not a "tigers' cage"... it is going back to same thing and expecting a different outcome... yes... no matter how many times you add up 1 +1... the answer is still 2...not 3... not 1... lol... I want things to be different than they are...
The reality is... maybe they never were different... I only thought they were... Oh my... I think I've got it!
Really ... I now realize...I am writing of 2 different things... Letting go is about allowing things to flourish and grow.. and allowing oneself to give in to that freedom... the other ... is about loss... and loss is hard.... it hurts... and wanting things to be some other way even if they are not.... Yes... one thing is about letting go.... the other is loss... and I think I now understand something about the differences between the two... loss is something you need to grieve... letting go... I can look forward to... flying...
Now that sounds great!
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