Que Sera Continued

Ok....as of right now, I don't have a "brain tumor in my stomach", so I am feeling a bit better about that... after my dr.'s appt (ouch that shot hurt!), I spent the remainder of the day buying cat toys, paying my speeding tix (Drat those Boulder police!)... and then trying to get my passport... Wouldn't you know that while Nick and I were totally prepared... if you show up after 2, you need an appointment... so ... Passport... next Friday morning at 11:00...
As for my other que sera issue... upon a good night's sleep and feeling better after the dr.'s, I have woken up to realized that, there are people who will come and go in my life and people who will stay in my life...People are there or not there for a reason... I can't hold on to what is not there...I have to let go...When people are gone, it doesn't change what was in the past...I guess I have finally realized that...and I have to let go.... As the clever Monty Python boys, I think it was they, who once said ... "Wherever you go... There you are..."... well I am here... right here... I guess it's time to let go and start living ... Right here...I have made my peace with that...I just have to figure out how...

Que Sera Sera

To quote a friend ... "I think I have a brain tumor in my stomach..." but aside from that ... I'm a little angry... first I was startled, then I was sad, now I'm a little confused, but frankly, mostly I'm a little angry... I've tried for a long time to just put it aside... and maybe this time I will finally just allow myself to let things go... I don't know why I hold on to things that hurt me...or why I am hurt by such things...or why I allow myself to have hurt feelings... I struggle with it... and it's dumb.
Maybe it's because I'm confused by the mixed messages... the seemingly interested conversations, and then... the total disregard... it hurts my feelings...it throws me off... and I don't know what to think... I think I should blow it off... and after taking a long break from writing... I think I will... Can I hold another responsible for my feelings? no... Can I make others behave as I would want them to behave? no... So ... how do I fix this for me?... Let it go... let it go... let it go... what will be ... will be... que sera sera...
Oh... now about that brain tumor in my stomach... que sera sera...

the case of the sunday snowy day

So I have spent the day indoors watching the snow... not a heavy snow... but a wispy snow...... low hanging clouds... no mountain tops to be seen... not too much accumulation... just enough to want to stay indoors drinking my chamomile tea, doing the sunday ny times crossword puzzle, and watching a rerun of the HBO concert on the mall...
Just as a good book stays with me... so do good movies I have seen and while I don't see too many in the theaters these days... I saw a great one last night that has stayed with me... Slumdog Millionaire. What a fabulous movie... a great story and the way it was told was fantastic... It has kept me thinking about it thru this day... This young man... thru much adversity... finds what he has been looking for... how each piece of his life, enabled him to get to the next place...
I feel that I have started the new year on a bit of a melancholy note...maybe I'm just depressed... but today... I realized something... I know what I want in life... but like so many of my old habits... I seem to seek what I want in the exact way that has never, NEVER worked for me! This is an amazing revalation to me... lol... I moved 2000 miles from my home to seek a new start... I had an accident that has forced me to look at how I act and interact... and while I know and have said sooo many times... I need to seek out... I need to ask for help.. I need to let go... I realized today... over a pot of tea, the sunday times, the concert, the thoughts about the movie... that I still seek that which won't work... which never worked...lol... how funny is that... it's not enough to know what you need to... the trick is to break out of the old habits... it's not that I don't ask... I still ask in the wrong place...I'm still hitting that brick wall... I still go about it in ways that don't bring satisfaction or happiness... yes ... I am still seeking the same thing...but now my sights are away from the brick wall... maybe I can go around it... over it... maybe in realizing that ... I can find the door.... or maybe realizing that a move doesn't change old patterns... it will take more than that... maybe realizing that in all areas of my life, I was looking in the wrong place... I keep going back an old pattern... an old way/habit... and then when it doesn't work... I feel bad about myself... well... NO MORE... now that I realize that... as hard as it may be... I will ask in a different way... in a different place... it seems so apparent and simple... I can't believe I never saw it before...
I read an article about changing habits... creating new one takes 31 days... creating new neuro pathways... can I change my life in 31 days? Well... maybe it will take longer... maybe less... but a new life is coming...

January is for resolutions... hmmmm....gettin in under the wire..

I have tried to think of resolutions for the New Year... but I'm just tired of the same old ones that I break every year... yes... I still want to loose weight... I still would like to be healthy and in better shape... but ... what I really want this year... I will take a cue from Oprah.. I really want to live my "best life".... I want to let go of all the hurts that I store inside... I want to laugh, love, be joyful... enjoy the relationships with my children, my family and friends...I want to travel and really see the world...I want to be able to go on a hike up the mountain again... Maybe instead of making the same old lame resolution that I make every year...maybe this year instead I will just resolve to "let go" and live....

Happy New Year - 2009!

I can hardly believe that it is 2009! I'm back home in Colorado after a whirlwind adventure east for Christmas... It was so great to see everyone... my children and my friends... I was so glad to be able to spend time with everyone... as always tho... it is hard to make sure that I got to see everyone... and visits seemed so short... time... time.... time... and I was gone for 11 days!
After much agonizing over last Christmas... I thought it important to set this year up to assure that I saw my kids on Christmas eve and Christmas morning... the reality, as always, is different then what one imagines...It was good... I loved being with them...but it was so quick ... and then... what... the truth is ... I wonder if Christmas will ever be ok for me... who knows... I had gotten into a routine before I moved... and it was finally beginning to be ok... and now... well I guess I'm back to square one... at least I created this one... lol... next year.... Maybe I'll just opt out... Christmas in Hawaii... sounds appealilng....