Sunday Musings

I am home feeling trapped on a beautiful day... because I committed to telling a DDS that he could pick up his briefcase at my house... of course he did say morning... and when I called this AFTERNOON to ask what time he would arrive... his phone went straight to voice mail... so I have been somewhat productive... I made my first batch of Xmas pecans... only 4 more bags to go!... I could bring in my Xmas tree and get that set up... hmmm... maybe... or maybe I will forgo a tree this year... I haven't decided.... Do I need the tree to get in the Xmas spirit... I don't think so... so this may become my first year in hmmmm.... 30 (wow) years.... that I don't put up a tree...

My dad sent me an interesting article today on what most people are afraid of... I found it interesting that what this author suggested is that it's not "being alone", "helplessness", or anything else you can name... it is actually the fear of our FEELINGS...I was captured and intrigued by her argument... I really believe that is the case... I always thought my trouble was I just didn't acknowledge my feelings... they were hard to "get in touch" with...or I would say ..."I don't have words to express them"... and so... I have learned, thru many years of therapy... how to put "feelings" into words... but I found this woman's premise so intriguing... and I think she has actually hit the nail right on the head... It is that we (I should say I) are just too fearful to feel them... It's as if we were to think that there maybe something wrong or shameful in actually feeling hurt, alone, betrayed, ... they are negative ... but we all have, at one time or another, had those feelings... we try to act as if we were to have anything other than "happy" feelings, then we must have some deep problem... she suggests that the solution is to "emotional multi-task"... I love this idea.. we give ourselves permission, without guilt, or beating ourselves up, to explore what messages we are getting from those bad feelings... and once we figure out "the message", we just let those feelings be... and in a sense...not just "move-on"...but kind of "live" with those feelings...
She calls "emotions"... "e-motion" ... as in "energy in motion". What a cool idea! The idea that our emotions are supposed to actually, literally and figuratively, "move" us... The answer is not to not feel, or supress, or stuff... but rather explore, and move... acknowledge that feeling... ask the question about it... and go where the answer takes you...
What an interesting article for Sunday reading...

joys of music

On this beautiful day....I spent the day downloading music... (Jackie Greene is still my fav...downloaded a new album but still can't stop listenting to American Myth!)...listening to music... reading...totally sucked into my book...
I had great plans... Walk on Pearl... Go to the REI... go to the pool... but none of things happened... I slipped my ipod on... and just couldn't move... Part of it really is this fear of going to the pool... I know it will do my leg good...(achy and stiff as ever!)... and getting in the hot tub will be great... maybe will help me bend.... but I can't figure out how to even get in...uhm... ladders... no! (I tried that when Jez got stuck, I made it to the the first rung and Nick had to rescue her!)... and top that with the fear of slipping... I just don't see how to do it... or get past it... maybe tomorrow... lol... nah... I already made plans so I won't have to do then... ok... maybe next weekend....

Pins and Needles...

It seems that 4 years after Nick suffered a break of his scaphoid, he is still having trouble with his wrist... At first, it just seemed that he had a loss of mobility...but as of late, he not only has very limited mobility, he now has pain... After a consult and an xray... it is revealed that he will need surgery to correct a lack of blood flow to that area! Incredible...he will have what is called a "vascular graft". A procedure that will take bone with blood supply and graft it to the deadened areas of his wrist.... YIKES!! I'm on pins and needles until we meet with the surgeon next week....

Hard times at Boulder PT

I have hit the wall... and it is depressing, hard, emotionally and physically too tough.... I thought I could pull it out... just keep going... but ... I have really hit the wall... there are just too many things to overcome... if it's not my knee... it's my ankle... if it's not my ankle... of course it's my shoulder... if it's not my shoulder .... it's my foot... I'm just too beat... I quit... I quit...I QUIT!!!
I even had my therapist in tears... but ... I just can't do it anymore... I hurt...

Okay... maybe I wont quit for good... but at least for today...and maybe for a while... or at least until my next session.... or until I have cried all my tears...

I did get an encouraging call from a friend and a package from another... those two things came at just the right time... when I was guilty of just piling on... ya know... just keep on adding more disappointments on top... might as well make it HUGE!!!!

Oh well... Maybe I'll be ready to tackle it again... UGH!!!!
But not yet and certainly not today....

Yom Kippur - Day of Atonement

Today is Yom Kippur the Day of Atonement... the holiest day in the Jewish religion... I have always loved the evening service that begins Yom Kippur... I think the Kol Nidre service is one of the most beautiful services that I remember in the Jewish religion...Of course, I usually only attend services twice a year... so there in fact may be many other beautiful services... In my many years as an adult, I have always found a way to attend that service... When I was newly married... I used to find a service to attend on my own. When I had young children, I would leave the kids at home and attend the local service... when my marriage ended, the children would attend with me... I took comfort in the ritual... even tho I never fasted, I would pray, atone, and just generally contemplate... and while I always loved the hauntingly beautiful Kol Nidre chant...I began to dislike (maybe that's alittle strong) the actual Yom Kippur service, or should I say the Torah reading that is always on that holiday. Each year I would read the story of Abraham taking his only son Isaac up the mountain to offer him as a sacrifice to G-d...This test of faith began to bother me... Why would G-d ask for that kind of test?... How could G-d ask for that kind of test?...
Last year was my first year in Boulder... and I did not attend any service... I took a beautiful hike on Yom Kippur... atoned and prayed on my own... took my pieces of bread over to the creek to toss away... thought about my journey... wondered where life will take me...
This year... no hike.... no service... plenty of contemplation.... a whole summer filled ... and then today... on Yom Kippur... I began to realize... there is no asking G-d why.... there is no asking G-d how could....
There only is G-d... Belief... and Faith...
Happy New Year... Good Yon Tiv...

Patchwork patterns... make a quilt...

Old patterns.... hmmm...we create them and they provide us with a guide on how we operate... but when they no longer serve us well... how do we let them go?...how do we step into creating new patterns?... and then how do you put old relationships on new ground?.... how do you change dynamics? I certainly can't figure out how to change them... I can analyze them (ad nauseum!)... I can now sort of recognize when they do not serve me... but I can't figure out how to change them.... hmmmm...
I feel like I have an old quilt that is made up of patterns of behavior that served me for a long time... it has kept me somewhat warm, safe, and secure, but now has some very large holes in it; maybe I will just keep adding to it...maybe by creating new patterns of behavior... I will replace some of the worn out and old sections....who knows what that quilt will look like in the end...
So... maybe it's not about changing the relationships... maybe in changing those old patterns...the relationships have already changed... maybe it's a lot more like expectations and acceptance...it's that in letting go of the old patterns... it's about learning how to accept the changes that I have created...

ahhhhh... back to accepting....trying on the new patterns and seeing if or how they fit....
well... I am creating my new quilt...and that part feels good....

Sprinkles on a Cow Pie?

I watched with great interest and bated breath, the VP debates last night... I lived in the DC area for a long time and I love election season... I love the debates... and all the machinations surrounding them...so I was amazed that this woman who chose not to answer questions, sometimes answered with nonsensical sentences, sometimes with totally incorrect answers, and certainly did not present any real substance regarding the McCain/Palin plans for our future.... that .... Pat Buchanan, thought she WON the debate! I was just dumb founded! She won, in his mind, because she was attractive, didn't embarrass herself, and didn't answer questions.... hmmmm.... In my mind, to borrow a phrase from an editorial in the local paper regarding another issue, that is like putting "sprinkles on a cow pie"!. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that in the battle between Looks vs. Substance, Looks would win... but at such an important time in our history, that anyone with 1/2 a brain would rather have Looks over Substance is just depressing... I think that Joe was FABULOUS... he was emotional, passionate, not condescending... he explained all policies... backed them up...He ANSWERED THE QUESTIONS!
Do people that live in other areas think that if you choose not to answer the questions, that's good? If you do answer the questions in a thoughtful and precise manner, is that too "wonky"?
I just don't get it....
How anyone can be "undecided" is beyond my comprehension....I think what the republican party did this evening was exactly this... they put "sprinkles on a cow pie"...

Year Plus in Review

I have spent the morning doing what has become my "norm" since my accident... Reading the small hometown newspaper, drinking my coffee, checking my email... but today...I added something different... today, I reread my blog from the beginning...It was fun to read about my journey... yes... I really do enjoy driving... yes... I did enjoy that journey... figuring out where to go, what to see, how to get there... I really loved seeing the west unfold before me... I can now acknowledge that I was lonely and a little scared at times about being so "truly alone" out there, but ... for the most part... I have come to love that journey...It was a personal triumph for me...
It was interesting reading back about my struggles once I arrived in Boulder with todays eyes...knowing what I walked into at my brothers home... knowing that I would find and make some friends here...
But as I sit here, broken leg throbbing because it's been down way too long, I wonder about the other things I've struggled with...and what I have come to realize that they are the things I struggled with always... not just here in beautiful Boulder, CO...but also back in good ole Gaithersburg, MD.
My struggles have always been the same... The biggest difference here, is that I and I alone, created this... I made something that I have felt for a long time, real... true... physical... I gave it the physical distance...I left my comfortable physical place... a place where I had lots of friends and contacts, but internally struggled with "where do I fit" and "I feel so alone", for a physical distance....separation....
I was going to ask the question "why"... but I long ago have discarded that question... there are never any answers to "why"...The real question in my mind, knowing what I know, is how do I move forward.... this is and always has been a journey of self discovery... creation of a life... I look back and read that I was asking those questions in the beginning... saying "I'm open"... crying about losses...but that is not new to me... those have always been my questions and responses...
So truth be told... after one year plus and an injury that has kept me relatively housebound for 13 weeks, I realize that the place changed... struggle still the same....maybe with more open eyes... and soul...Given all this new found free time... I had the opportunity to really look at the reading of my Medicine cards... and it's amazing how true they were about me... sooo...from my cards...
message 1- create, create, create... in all areas of life... I hold the key to all of it...How true that is; not just for me, but for everyone... But I came across the country to create something new in my life... so I am ... "on the road" to something new...
message 2-this journey really is about my own self discovery...yep, sure is...
message 3-find joy....be grateful for blessings... always...
message 4- in order to find peace... walk thru life gently...
message 5- set boundaries... find them, acknowledge them...embrace them... do not use them to hide... it is the key to finding yourself and joy...wow... this is something I have always struggled with!...
message 6- transform... adapt...
message 7-learn to receive, accept gifts...learn to nurture oneself as you would others....
As I went thru the book exploring the meaning of each card in my reading, I was struck at how like me and relevant each of those cards were to my life and journey... I had the book and cards in my possession for a long time, but had not really looked at them until my injury.... I'm so grateful I finally did...
So as I walk thru this new journey that I have created; I will keep in mind the lessons of my medicine cards... Powerful tools on this journey...

Washington Withdrawl

Autumn officially begins on Monday, but here in Boulder, fall is in the air... The Aspens are beginning to turn, the nights are crisp and cool, the days are bright and blue, but have a hint of chill. Fall may be my favorite time of year here... altho, I'm sure I say that each new season is my favorite here... lol...
In addition to fall, the political season is in full swing... CO is a swing state so both candidates have flooded our airwaves with ads... the most vicious ads tho are the ones for the politicians running for Congress and Senate... they are brutal.... did you know that just stating that someone comes from Boulder is enough to condem them with the Republican party... well in the ad running against Mark Udall, it headlines with "Boulder liberal"... ahhh the sleeze is running thick here... and I have found myself addicted to MSNBC; Chris Matthews, Keith Olberman, and Rachel Maddow... I love it... I really hope that there are enough intelligent, concerned, empathetic, aware citizens here (not just in the boulder bubble) that will realize the situation our country is in and vote for Obama...
But election time is one of the things I miss about not being in Washington. I loved that politics was the news of the day... That elections were not just relegated to the national news but were also staples of the local news...especially now during this election and the financial crisis... I miss my Washington fix.... I'm sure that in Washington, the local news has said where each candidate is on any given day... and how they were received and what people were saying ... how they presented themselves... etc... here...not so much... lol... we certainly get alot of ads, but nothing of any real substance... I have tried to feed my Washington fix by logging on to the Post, but alas ... it's just not the same on line as it is in print... So thank goodness for cable and MSNBC.... if I can't be in the 'burbs of DC... at least I can feed my fix somehow...

PT - physical therapy or physical torture....hmmmm

Yes ... I began physical therapy today... I thought it would just be some exercises to strengthen or redevelop some muscles that have atrophied; hence preparing me for walking in about 3 weeks... Well.... I guess that was happened... and really nothing that I did was painful... what became extremely apparent is ... HOW LITTLE I can do... and after my hour of this... how physically exhausted I was... bend your leg... hmmmm ... how do I do that... lay on your stomach and bend your knee... hmmmm... well.. I can tell you... my face... my upper body... my abs... my gluts... they were all straining... how much of a bend did I do? Hardly anything... and since I could not see... or feel... I had no way of measuring my success... All the exercises I have been doing have helped some... but the reality is my ankle does not move well... my quads... hmmm... virtually non-existant... calf..... not good... The therapist was great... but what I have come to realize is .... the surgery was only the beginning... this is really the long haul.....

The Healing Process

It is funny to think about the progress that I have made since that fall 9 weeks ago, and how the body heals....It is a miraculous process...In the beginning, I had a hard time doing anything.... everything I did took time.... it hurt... I was cautious...I was taking baby steps... but as the weeks progressed... I have made such progress... yes... it still takes a lot of time to do things... but it has become second nature... I can get up and down the stairs... I can shower... I can make coffee ( and here is the remarkable part; it is that not only can I make coffee... but I have figured out a way to carry my coffee and drink it wherever I want! Yay!)... I can drive... I have also become accustomed to my limitations... I can only drive for 1 hour... I can only sit with my leg down for 2 hours... I need to go upstairs before I get too tired... I can clean my bathroom, but cannot push my vacuum...But with the recognition of my healing and my limitations, I feel independent... I feel like I can manage on my own...I feel like I'm on the road to getting my life back...
I am so grateful for the friends and family that walked me through this hard time to get me to this point.... They bolstered my spirits...made meals... supported my baby steps... cried with me... gave me comfort when I couldn't see past the immediate... prayed with me and for me... sent their love and healing thoughts my way... It fills my heart and soul...and gave me inspiration... it still does...
My parents left yesterday and independent living began again... I have the quiet of my home... I have my cats... I can listen to the radio...sing at the top of my lungs... yes... independent living can begin at any age... but I know that I have the love and support of so many... independent living doesn't mean living alone... and through this injury I recognize the difference.
That is truly the healing process at it's best and most remarkable!

withdrawal?

I am currently experiencing a sort of withdrawal. I have developed a sort of routine during my convalescence... In the evenings, after dinner, I cozy down on the couch, with a glass of wine, and for 2 weeks watched the Olympics... it was great... I enjoyed watching things that I would not have normally watched... Then when the Olympics ended, I watched with great enjoyment the Democratic convention... 4 nights of political speeches...knocking George Bush and the Republicans... I was in heaven... well ...
Now what?! The Olympics have ended... No more convention....What am I to do! Yes... I am definitely experiencing withdrawal.

Senior Citizen in Training

Talking to a friend the other night and discussing what I can and can't do... and what hurts and doesn't hurt... I felt like I was sounding like an "old lady"... but she then, realizing my age, she remarked... "you could be a senior citizen in training!" So bring me my walker... lol.... Senior citizen in training! I hope my training lasts a long, long time... lol

Summer Daydreams....

Well there isn't much to do...I sit...I doze... I watch TV... I read... I do crossword puzzles... but my favorite...is to sit, watch my little hummingbirds and daydream... My latest daydream came about as a result of my sister-in-law's latest venture... she has recently decided that she would like to sell baked goods and homemade soups... I have always wanted to open a coffee shop... what if we could combine the two.... wouldn't that be fabulous!! We could sell her delicious baked goods... have lunches of homemade soups... Alison came up with the idea of adding tea selections and importing Anthony's chocolates from the Italian market... ahhh... the dream continues.... comfy chairs... wifi... board games... books... newspapers... a great neighborhood place to just hang out...
ahhh... the beauty of summer day dreams!

Great Expectations

Expectations are funny things... We all have them... we use them all the time... but as I sit here in my convalescence, I realize that there is a distinct difference between expectations and acceptance... Expectations I believe, are what we should use in predicting how actions should go, or in math, or, for example... "if I don't water my plant... my expectation is that it will die"... Those are the instances to use "expectations". But I have finally come to realize that one should never.... I repeat never, use expectations when dealing with people... What we should use when dealing with our friends, family, is "acceptance".
My confusion regarding these two ideas is long standing... I used expectations constantly in my marriage... I honestly thought, because I behaved in a certain manner, that my partner would behave in a certain way as well... I had EXPECTATIONS, about "who he was", how he would behave, how our lives would go. It was like resting my head against a what I thought was a comfy pillow and wondering why it's hurting. When my expectations were taken away, I discovered that it was a brick wall ... Hmmmmm... I kept thinking during all our struggles...why would you behave this way.... this isn't what I was "expecting"?! Once I took away my expectations.... I could see there was not a comfy pillow.... but indeed a brick wall.... No wonder my head was sooo sore! Once I took away my expectations, I could see the man for "who he really was.... and most importantly, not who I really wanted him to be"...I can now accept "who he is". It doesn't mean I like it, or was not hurt by it.... It just means... I understand...Oh those tricky "expectations".
But, still I get confused by them... I really want things to be how I "expect" them to be... and what I again realize... It's not about "Expectations" it's about "Acceptance"... I recognize my own confusion with this in regards to friends... I have "expectations" and then when it doesn't go in the way I expect... I am left feeling so hurt....So much so... that I have been forced to look at this again... That darn brick wall disguised in my "expectations" as a pillow....
And what I have seen in re-examining this, is that I am the one responsible for filling my needs, not my friends, or family, or my cats, but me... I know what my needs are. If someone does not meet my "expectations" well..I'm hurt and miserable and teary and blaming ... ICK...but what if... I just "accept" who they are and what they have to offer.... hmmmm.... will I still be hurt?... maybe... but then I know what to do... I will find another way to fill my need...and not put it on someone else to fill my need... yes....I may hurt some... but in acceptance, I can see "who is whom" and "what is what"... I can see that I am the one who is responsible for me and my feelings.... and the benefit is... I still have friends and family to turn to....
Yes... I think I'll go with "Acceptance" and save those "Expectations" for something else....

In the blink of an eye...

Well summer has arrived in Boulder... It is hot, dry, blue skies, puffy white clouds.... always beautiful....
I waited with excitement for Alison's arrival for the July 4th weekend... she was bringing her boyfriend and I had so many things planned ... hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park... a Rockies game.... fireworks at Chautauqua...many breweries that we missed on her last visit... Alison arrived on schedule... only I was not up to all that I had planned...
Life can change in an instant... one moment you are riding high (literally) and in a split second... everything can change... My left tibial plateau fracture has left me with just time... time to heal... time to contemplate... time to rest... time to observe... time to struggle with daily activities that seemed so mundane and are now huge mountains to conquer... yes... life can change in the blink of an eye... One moment I was riding my bike... finishing a nice ride along the Boulder Creek Path.... I was right in front of my home... and .... I don't know what went wrong... I don't know why I felt unsteady... I don't know how I came to fall off... but I did...and now life is all about time and learning... learning how to climb the stairs... learning how to take a shower... learning how to walk... learning how to get from one place to the next...
I feel like I have been on a 3 week roller coaster. My emotions are all over the place... I cry at the drop of a hat... my stamina has been zapped... but I have triumphs... I just did a load of laundry... I figured out how to get to the machine... I have scrambled an egg for breakfast... I have climbed my stairs and made my way into my bedroom...
I have faith that I can overcome this injury... I believe that I will heal...I pray daily for strength to heal, but since all I have is time... I also believe that this injury has come as a wake up for me...as the universe... or G-d ... telling me... showing me... that this life is not meant to be lived alone...
Prior to this injury... I was praying to open my heart... to release my hurts... to find joy...
Here it is...with this injury...comes the startling revelation that no matter that I am an independent woman, I cannot do this alone... I need to reach out... I need to include... I need people... I need to ask for help... I need to open myself up...
I pray that healing of my heart also comes along with the healing of my leg...
I have time....

Night Musings

Wow... It's been a long time since I have written... Yes... I did survive the holidays... although I will admit to Xmas day being very difficult... but survive I did... and the Colorado snow on Xmas day was just about perfect...
I really didn't make any New Year resolutions... but since I came back from Philly with a cold, I decided health was what I should concentrate on in the New Year... I decided to find a dr. and do what adults should do... get a physical... and what I found out is that years of neglect really do have some consequences... so now, aware of all my frailties, I need to make a real effort at health....I always thought I was "healthy"... well it's easy to think that if you don't check it out...lol... the reality is that neglect, and chemotherapy have taken their tolls. So it is really time to work at health...
I'm taking an Anatomy and Physiology class at the community college and finding it very challenging, but enjoyable... I am really using my brain... and I like that...
I am having fun using my snowshoes...(xmas gift from my children) and am looking forward to learning to ski...
I have taken to routines... class Monday and Wednesday nights, sushi on Friday nights, study over the weekend with an occasional hike thrown in...Note to self... must do more hiking! The weather has been great!
I have discovered that I love snow! I now understand why in Nordic or Arctic regions, they have so many words for snow...because it can be different on any given day or time...the snow here is so different than it is back east... It is soft, light, slippery, white... the snow in Boulder usually melts in a couple of days...The sun usually comes out the next day, and even if it's cold, it is usually bright and clear... I think the longest the snow stayed on the ground here was a week...(there was a lot of snow!) The Flatirons are beautiful in the snow....
I have taken to examining my relationships past and current... the ones with old friends, with my parents, my children, my siblings, bosses, new friends.... with a new sense of who I am, how I fit, and who I want to be...
I have taken to really examining what I want... and coming up with answers...
So... after such a long absence, I can say....
Life is Good.....