...Wish I had a river....

Wish I had a river to skate away on...
Yep.... the holidays are approaching... and as usual ... I'm trying to find a way to make them ok for me... how can it be that each year I find it more difficult... I have planned a trip back east to be with the kids and... then a whirlwind to see "friends"...

On top of all the travel stress... the monetary stress... I feel so silly for feeling the way I do... I just read Asher's blog... and pain, frustration, lack of sleep, the uncertainty of their daughter's health... well ... lets just say my problems don't amount to a hill of beans... they are certainly not enough to cry about... they are struggling and dealing daily ... hourly ... with the illness of their daughter... the stress on their family... now that... that is something to feel bad about... to struggle with...

Count my blessings... my children are happy and healthy... and ... launching into their own lives..
You know... on second thought... Life is good...

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is fast approaching... I am preparing a feast.....It will be a gathering of friends and family... all the things I hold in my heart... It will be the first time since I moved, that both my children with be with me... in my home ... at the same time ... for a holiday... Usually... I have one or the other...I am thrilled!!! So.. who cares that I'm turkey challenged...who cares if I've missed a spot in cleaning the place... who cares if the fridge is too small to hold all the fixings.. or it's a tight squeeze at the table...
I will have my children with me...in my home.... I give thanks for that!!!

gratitude.... and health care?

I've been practicing gratitude lately... and when you count your blessings... indeed your spirits are lifted... I am a blessed woman...
I am grateful for my health...I am able to walk after my horrible break... I have been cancer free for 18 years...I am grateful for the health of my family and friends... my parents are doing well...my sister... although fragile... is doing as well as can be expected... but... now... I am confronted by the recurrence of cancer in my dear, dear, friend/sister... she is being strong... positive... willful... her position is that this is just a blip... so... I am practicing "gratitude"... praying ... thanking... that things will "work-out"...
Her Dr. has prescribed her new chemo regiment.... she took her prescription to the pharmacy and because she has a "discount" plan for prescriptions, the chemo will cost $1200 a cycle...She can not afford that.... WHAT!!! ... Life saving, cancer fighting, Dr. prescribed drug... and it is unaffordable?... how can we live with ourselves?! How can anyone say... we do not need health care reform?... WITH a public option....
I just saw an ad here in CO... based on "fear mongering" ... a woman ... a breast cancer survivor... telling women not to vote for a public option for health care reform... because they may have to wait months for care... like in England... where their survival rates are lower... CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS...?!
Yes... I am a survivor...... I am grateful to be a survivor... I am grateful that this woman is a survivor... I'm grateful that she was able to AFFORD her health care that enabled her become a survivor... I wonder... if my cancer were diagnosed today... and I had to follow the same protocol, with my current insurance... how would I do it?... I think I would be bankrupt... as a matter of fact... I am still paying off my broken leg!! So that is another thing I'm grateful for... I'm grateful that at the time of my diagnosis... I was married and was able to AFFORD... good health care coverage...
I am not unique...there are many, many, many people out there stuck with "under" coverage... I am covered if something severe happens to me...and I pay a huge chunk of my paycheck each week to have this coverage, that leaves me with a huge bill at the end of any type of procedure...
Who is benefiting from my insurance payment each month?
Yes... I am grateful that, on this day, at this time... I have coverage... crappy or not... it is coverage... but what about my friend?
"Gratitude is the heart's memory".... she is in my heart...I love this woman... and how can this be that she cannot afford her chemo?... what kind of country are we, that we allow this to happen? ... Every day! And how is it that we produce commercials that tell women... that they could DIE if we change our system... IT IS LUDICROUS! IT'S EMBARRASSING! Why don't they bring up in those commercials all of the people that die purely because they cannot even have their cancers detected because they don't have coverage and no screening is available?! I guess that would not be an effective tactic for them to take.... It makes me feel as if I am living in a third world country!... This is not how we care for our community...
Gratitude...I have so many blessings in my life... I am grateful for my survival, for my family, for my friends... I am grateful for the people and memories I hold in my heart...
I will always hold her in my heart... I will pray, be willful, and positive just as she is...and I will also... pray, be willful and positive that we can change the system to which we and she are held hostage to...
Practicing Gratitude...

The Secret to Letting Go... is to Let Go...

Yes... I am learning to let go... In oh so many ways...
Ali was here for a fabulous visit... 10 whole days with my daughter and her boyfriend... It was fantastic... I will admit... it was a little hard to share her 100% the time with her boyfriend... It would have been good to have some one on one time... but really ... I am just thrilled to my core that she was here... and it was great... and she is great... and then... after 10 fabulous days... she had to go home... and ... I let go... she left... and yes... I'm sad... and a few tears were shed...but I let go... and...
It's ok...
I guess I am finally learning some lessons about letting go...One thing I have learned about letting go is that it's painful.... but, as in the case of Ali... the pain of letting go... is mitigated by the pride and love for the beautiful, intelligent, confident, successful woman she has become...for the woman that she is... and by my love for her... So in that regard, while it's not always easy to let go... I see what letting go has done for her... it has allowed her to blossom...and that makes it easier...

But letting go is still hard for me... Ali has been on her own for so many years... and it seems like only recently that I have been able to let go with less of a fight... It really only seems like yesterday that I picked a fight in her dorm room so I could leave... what an exit strategy!...
Somehow, I still seem to struggle with letting go of some things... in particular, relationships that I should be thankful for, but yet ... are gone or really changed... and it makes me angry... and I feel hurt... and yes... I'm thankful that they were there in the past... but they aren't now and I keep trying to make them be there..... I feel like I have tried in so many ways to continue them.. I find myself going back to them repeatedly... and it doesn't work and then I get angry ... and it's a vicious cycle and yet... I don't let go...Why? ... I continue to go back... to as my therapist used to say... "putting your hand back in the tiger's cage...and expecting a different outcome"... While this is not a "tigers' cage"... it is going back to same thing and expecting a different outcome... yes... no matter how many times you add up 1 +1... the answer is still 2...not 3... not 1... lol... I want things to be different than they are...

The reality is... maybe they never were different... I only thought they were... Oh my... I think I've got it!

Really ... I now realize...I am writing of 2 different things... Letting go is about allowing things to flourish and grow.. and allowing oneself to give in to that freedom... the other ... is about loss... and loss is hard.... it hurts... and wanting things to be some other way even if they are not.... Yes... one thing is about letting go.... the other is loss... and I think I now understand something about the differences between the two... loss is something you need to grieve... letting go... I can look forward to... flying...

Now that sounds great!

Wherever you go... There you are...

I love that saying from those Monty Python guys... I'm sure I've quoted many times... but I've been thinking about it a lot lately... "No matter where you go.... there you are".... so true... I've moved... I've traveled... I've "dug deep"... I've "been open"... but ... the things that I need to do.... are still there... the things that I've been afraid of... are still lurking there...
Changing locations has helped somewhat I think... I don't have the same diversions or ways to hide like I used to... and it has forced me to make new friends.. and discover new things about myself... it has even provided the opportunity for me to really do things for ME... but ... here's the funny thing... If you don't want to deal with something... lol... you will find other ways to distract yourself... a least that's what I have discovered...lol... so ...What to do about that?... or what do I think about that?...Or better yet... What do I want to do about it?
I remember back in my woman's group... we were doing work on what was at our "core"... how do we reveal ourselves...
I remember feeling like an "onion" with many layers.. "my veneers"... outside... "strong"... "confident"..."knows what I want"... "in control"... "smart"... "attractive"... "put together"... and .... Surprise!... I felt very startled by this revelation... that the "face" that I put out to the world... did not match what I felt inside... My friend put this quote up on her facebook wall awhile ago and I think it is so true...

"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are all in harmony" Gandhi

That is my goal... to try and be in harmony... everything match...
Yes... it is a work in progress... and...
so true... Wherever you go... there you are...

Signs

There is an Indigo Girls song about seeing "signs everywhere".... I do that... I search and I search... I read my horoscope... I did my "chart"... I read my Indian cards.... I've been to psychics... I read my tarot cards... I do it all... I search everywhere... and I guess if you look... you will see what you want to see... or maybe even things you'd rather not see...
What I can say about all this searching is ... well ... it's clear that I'm searching... lol... but in quite a distracting way... I'm not saying I don't believe in these things...because on some level ... I buy into it all...but ... maybe instead of looking for signs, I should look at some of the things that I do know about myself... maybe it would be helpful to look at the things I know and love...
-I love to analyze things...I love word puzzles... jigsaw puzzles... I love words... cleverly put together in a song... or in a saying...in a book...
-I love a quick wit and a sense of humor...
-I love to dream about "the possibilities"...
-Ok ... I'll admit it... I love reality tv shows... lol... project runway, top chef, fashion show, survivor, amazing race...
-Love music... all kinds... I love plugging in my ipod... it improves anything I'm doing... cleaning... exercising... doing a crossword puzzle...
So... maybe a little less searching for signs... and just start enjoying the things that I love...
Maybe it's a sign... lol...

See the World??

I've suddenly given some thought to the name of my blog...I took the title from a song that I love by the band Gomez... the funny thing is... that I really haven't "seen the world"... Not that I don't want to see the world ... but I really haven't ... I started the blog as a way to let people know where I was and what I was doing on my trip cross country... so perhaps I should have selected the title... See the USA... (in a Chevrolet...lol... actually a Honda and Subaru)... but finally, I will get to see some part of the world... I'm finally going to go use my passport... I'm going to Italy... I am startled... and thrilled that I am actually going to do something I have dreamed about for 18 years... It's amazing... I started planning a trip to Italy during my chemotherapy...I plotted... planned... poured over tour books... found destinations...thought of ways to get around... what a great distraction it was... it provided a beautiful way to spend my horrible hours...and then, when I didn't take the trip... it became just a dream...an idea... a desire... a comforting, familiar dream... ahhh yes... Italy... yes... one day...
Well that day is 30 days from now!... it will become a reality... wow...

The Language of Letting Go.....is "Nesting"...

A funny thing happened to me last weekend... I was nesting.... lol... All weekend... not just on my usual bum around day of Saturday... but ALL WEEKEND!!! I could not understand it... I talked about it ... I was perplexed by it... I'm not giving birth...lol... and now it has come to me... I am letting go.... so I guess in a way ... I am giving birth...

In my struggles to release the past of it's hold on me... I discovered, through my nesting process, all the toxic emails and negotiations of the past... Why on earth had I saved that?! Why on earth did I move 2,000 with that?!... What an amazing amount of pain and negativity to carry around...

The answer is ... so I now can finally purge it in a way that will suit me... I am finally ready... Aside from the collection of paper work, I am purging whatever remaining jewelery, gifts, books I have... things that I thought had no connections, but have come to realize, just represent the sham and duplicity and pain...I am only keeping things that carry something "positive" ... things that are connected to joy... no longer am I "holding on" for the sake of "holding on"...

In the end... it comes down to this... After all this time.. I have finally forgiven myself ...It has taken 11 years and a 2,000 mile move (incredible!), but I am ready to "purge"... I don't need to "hold on" to "things"... Yes... I am at peace with reasons and the outcome...

The ritual is planned and I am finally ready...

Ahhhh... the joys of nesting! And I await that "new bundle of joy"!

The Agreements we make....

I am reading the most amazing book... It has been crossing my path for the last couple of months... and I when it came up again.... I realized that I was meant to find it and read it... It is called The Four Agreements... and I do believe that I have found a way to "let go"... The book is about "agreements" that we make with ourselves to either live our lives to their fullest, most joyful...or the agreements that we make that are made out of fear... and cause us pain...

He presents 4 that enable us to live with out fear... I am only on the second ...but I do believe that it is key to the idea of "letting-go"... It is to "Do not take anything personally"... I love this... it recognizes that people do and say things for their own reasons... If your feelings get hurt... it is because the action or word of another has touched a fear in you... amazing... when I take the "personal" out of it... I realize that it is not about me... it is how others are dealing with their own stuff! It's not about me... lol... it's is really about them...
The book talks about how, in our fears... we buy into what others may think about us... we make an "agreement" to see ourselves this way...

This man wrote this book 12 years and he used exact words that I have said to myself and to my therapist when I was in group! He talked about how we "self-abuse", ( ok...I would say that I beat myself up)... and that we find ourselves in relationships with people who will "abuse" us only as much as we "abuse" ourselves... when the "abuse" becomes more than what we give ourselves... that is when we end those relationships... In the case of my marriage... I cannot tell you how true that statement is... I felt that I was "worthy" of only a small amount of love, respect, affection, within the confines of my marriage... but when it fell below what I was willing to settle for.. only then did I do something about it... I had never told anyone how I felt in my marriage until I realized that I was lower than our family dog on the affection scale... and my husband did not like our dog, at that point I finally confided to a friend... and used those exact words..."I feel lower than the dog"... yes... I had made an "agreement" with my husband... I accepted it and it wasn't until his "non love" of me was greater than my own "non love" of myself...that I was willing to start the end of the marriage...I could no longer "accept the agreement"... I had to ask the question that precipitated the end... It was the fact that he finally offered even less than what I was willing to accept could I finally see the end...

The second item that came back to me was his talk of the "masks" that we wear to try to hide who we really are because we are afraid... afraid that people won't like us... accept us... find us worthy...it is what we hide behind because we are not sure of ourselves... we have "agreed" to see ourselves as less... In my group I called it "my veneer"...the face I wanted to present to the world... I always thought of it as my protection... but now maybe it has not been protection at all... maybe it has kept me from living as I would like... maybe it is an "agreement" I accepted out of fear and it has kept pain and fear locked in...

What would happen if I had a new "agreement" with myself... what if I "agreed" to... "be impeccable in my words" and "not take things personally"...wow... Powerful Words...

My junk drawer

I was digging through a drawer in my office in search of a card to send... and instead found a stash of old cards that I have received... one of them was about a blog entry I made when I first moved here... I saved it... because while it was so simple, it hit the nail right on the head...it was about "just being sure"... Thanks for sending it! I was thinking recently about "pushing the send button"... I did that day... and while I never saved what I sent...after addressing the one issue, my intention was probably more along the lines of that card... Funny how some things over my time here, haven't changed... I did learn however, in that regard, not to push send...lol... much safer to put it in my blog... or just maybe "let it go"...
I also found a card from my sister... She had enclosed 2 old pix and a letter that I had sent her upon hearing of her initial diagnosis in 2000... The pictures were funny... one was of my first car... it was a beast ... a 1973 Pontiac LeMans... put your foot on the pedal and you were doing 80 instantly... One of my first memories of that car is that my mom let me drive to the grocery store the first week I had my license... Upon trying to park, I hit the car next to me and smashed the driver's side headlight...(did not judge the turn-in correctly and as I said before, it was a fast car). I never made it into the store... I drove home in tears...without leaving a note on the other car... my mom made me drive back and leave the note... and amazingly, continued to allow me to drive...lol... I'm a better driver now... I think...

The second picture was from my Sunday school graduation or confirmation... I opted to stay in Sunday school until I was 16 so I wouldn't have to go to hebrew school... lol....Long brown hair, parted in the middle wearing the first long dress I ever owned, long and white with a black and white top...hmmmm... I'm still wearing the same colors.... and carrying a bouquet of daisies... boy I loved that dress! I don't remember much else about the day... or Sunday school for that matter... I was dropped off every Sunday, and promptly left with Lisa Fenton to go to Montgomery Donuts, where we spent the remainder of the morning...smoking, eating donuts (sometimes), and just "hangin" in Bethesda...lol...

The letter to my sister was one that I wrote after she came to tell me that she was diagnosed with "colon cancer"... that was as safe a diagnosis as she could come up with at the time...I always think of our relationship as having more downs than ups... She is the person I struggle the most with... she is hard... she is unpredictable, secretive, she strong willed, I think she is antagonistic, thorny if you will.... but she is, or shall I say was, intellectually, she was brilliant and truly, the most beautiful woman... When she told me of her illness... I tried to put all of those bad feelings behind and talk to her of her strengths..I tried to be compassionate...to find compassion for her... but while I used the words... I don't know that I felt it... But 9 years later... I truly believe it is precisly those qualities... her strength, stubbornness, antagonism, and determined nature, that have enabled her to survive as long as she has... Over the years, I have been frustrated and confounded by her... and now... years later and from geographically far away...I think I may finally ... finally... be able see her for who she really is... and I am filled with compassion for her... She may appear to be a 49 year old woman... but rather to me, she is much like a scared young child...desperately, angrily, clawingly, seeking, and searching for love and approval...She pushes everyone close to her away... only to be left angry, hostile, and disappointed... It breaks my heart...She is the Yin and the Yang... she pushes away and desires... she is stubborn, but wants to please... Yes, she is still hard to take... yes, she is sarcastic and caustic, or gratingly complimentary, but... I feel as if I know her now... I see who she is... my sister...
And I now am filled with compassion and love for this thorny woman/child....

Que Sera Continued

Ok....as of right now, I don't have a "brain tumor in my stomach", so I am feeling a bit better about that... after my dr.'s appt (ouch that shot hurt!), I spent the remainder of the day buying cat toys, paying my speeding tix (Drat those Boulder police!)... and then trying to get my passport... Wouldn't you know that while Nick and I were totally prepared... if you show up after 2, you need an appointment... so ... Passport... next Friday morning at 11:00...
As for my other que sera issue... upon a good night's sleep and feeling better after the dr.'s, I have woken up to realized that, there are people who will come and go in my life and people who will stay in my life...People are there or not there for a reason... I can't hold on to what is not there...I have to let go...When people are gone, it doesn't change what was in the past...I guess I have finally realized that...and I have to let go.... As the clever Monty Python boys, I think it was they, who once said ... "Wherever you go... There you are..."... well I am here... right here... I guess it's time to let go and start living ... Right here...I have made my peace with that...I just have to figure out how...

Que Sera Sera

To quote a friend ... "I think I have a brain tumor in my stomach..." but aside from that ... I'm a little angry... first I was startled, then I was sad, now I'm a little confused, but frankly, mostly I'm a little angry... I've tried for a long time to just put it aside... and maybe this time I will finally just allow myself to let things go... I don't know why I hold on to things that hurt me...or why I am hurt by such things...or why I allow myself to have hurt feelings... I struggle with it... and it's dumb.
Maybe it's because I'm confused by the mixed messages... the seemingly interested conversations, and then... the total disregard... it hurts my feelings...it throws me off... and I don't know what to think... I think I should blow it off... and after taking a long break from writing... I think I will... Can I hold another responsible for my feelings? no... Can I make others behave as I would want them to behave? no... So ... how do I fix this for me?... Let it go... let it go... let it go... what will be ... will be... que sera sera...
Oh... now about that brain tumor in my stomach... que sera sera...

the case of the sunday snowy day

So I have spent the day indoors watching the snow... not a heavy snow... but a wispy snow...... low hanging clouds... no mountain tops to be seen... not too much accumulation... just enough to want to stay indoors drinking my chamomile tea, doing the sunday ny times crossword puzzle, and watching a rerun of the HBO concert on the mall...
Just as a good book stays with me... so do good movies I have seen and while I don't see too many in the theaters these days... I saw a great one last night that has stayed with me... Slumdog Millionaire. What a fabulous movie... a great story and the way it was told was fantastic... It has kept me thinking about it thru this day... This young man... thru much adversity... finds what he has been looking for... how each piece of his life, enabled him to get to the next place...
I feel that I have started the new year on a bit of a melancholy note...maybe I'm just depressed... but today... I realized something... I know what I want in life... but like so many of my old habits... I seem to seek what I want in the exact way that has never, NEVER worked for me! This is an amazing revalation to me... lol... I moved 2000 miles from my home to seek a new start... I had an accident that has forced me to look at how I act and interact... and while I know and have said sooo many times... I need to seek out... I need to ask for help.. I need to let go... I realized today... over a pot of tea, the sunday times, the concert, the thoughts about the movie... that I still seek that which won't work... which never worked...lol... how funny is that... it's not enough to know what you need to... the trick is to break out of the old habits... it's not that I don't ask... I still ask in the wrong place...I'm still hitting that brick wall... I still go about it in ways that don't bring satisfaction or happiness... yes ... I am still seeking the same thing...but now my sights are away from the brick wall... maybe I can go around it... over it... maybe in realizing that ... I can find the door.... or maybe realizing that a move doesn't change old patterns... it will take more than that... maybe realizing that in all areas of my life, I was looking in the wrong place... I keep going back an old pattern... an old way/habit... and then when it doesn't work... I feel bad about myself... well... NO MORE... now that I realize that... as hard as it may be... I will ask in a different way... in a different place... it seems so apparent and simple... I can't believe I never saw it before...
I read an article about changing habits... creating new one takes 31 days... creating new neuro pathways... can I change my life in 31 days? Well... maybe it will take longer... maybe less... but a new life is coming...

January is for resolutions... hmmmm....gettin in under the wire..

I have tried to think of resolutions for the New Year... but I'm just tired of the same old ones that I break every year... yes... I still want to loose weight... I still would like to be healthy and in better shape... but ... what I really want this year... I will take a cue from Oprah.. I really want to live my "best life".... I want to let go of all the hurts that I store inside... I want to laugh, love, be joyful... enjoy the relationships with my children, my family and friends...I want to travel and really see the world...I want to be able to go on a hike up the mountain again... Maybe instead of making the same old lame resolution that I make every year...maybe this year instead I will just resolve to "let go" and live....

Happy New Year - 2009!

I can hardly believe that it is 2009! I'm back home in Colorado after a whirlwind adventure east for Christmas... It was so great to see everyone... my children and my friends... I was so glad to be able to spend time with everyone... as always tho... it is hard to make sure that I got to see everyone... and visits seemed so short... time... time.... time... and I was gone for 11 days!
After much agonizing over last Christmas... I thought it important to set this year up to assure that I saw my kids on Christmas eve and Christmas morning... the reality, as always, is different then what one imagines...It was good... I loved being with them...but it was so quick ... and then... what... the truth is ... I wonder if Christmas will ever be ok for me... who knows... I had gotten into a routine before I moved... and it was finally beginning to be ok... and now... well I guess I'm back to square one... at least I created this one... lol... next year.... Maybe I'll just opt out... Christmas in Hawaii... sounds appealilng....