Great Expectations

Expectations are funny things... We all have them... we use them all the time... but as I sit here in my convalescence, I realize that there is a distinct difference between expectations and acceptance... Expectations I believe, are what we should use in predicting how actions should go, or in math, or, for example... "if I don't water my plant... my expectation is that it will die"... Those are the instances to use "expectations". But I have finally come to realize that one should never.... I repeat never, use expectations when dealing with people... What we should use when dealing with our friends, family, is "acceptance".
My confusion regarding these two ideas is long standing... I used expectations constantly in my marriage... I honestly thought, because I behaved in a certain manner, that my partner would behave in a certain way as well... I had EXPECTATIONS, about "who he was", how he would behave, how our lives would go. It was like resting my head against a what I thought was a comfy pillow and wondering why it's hurting. When my expectations were taken away, I discovered that it was a brick wall ... Hmmmmm... I kept thinking during all our struggles...why would you behave this way.... this isn't what I was "expecting"?! Once I took away my expectations.... I could see there was not a comfy pillow.... but indeed a brick wall.... No wonder my head was sooo sore! Once I took away my expectations, I could see the man for "who he really was.... and most importantly, not who I really wanted him to be"...I can now accept "who he is". It doesn't mean I like it, or was not hurt by it.... It just means... I understand...Oh those tricky "expectations".
But, still I get confused by them... I really want things to be how I "expect" them to be... and what I again realize... It's not about "Expectations" it's about "Acceptance"... I recognize my own confusion with this in regards to friends... I have "expectations" and then when it doesn't go in the way I expect... I am left feeling so hurt....So much so... that I have been forced to look at this again... That darn brick wall disguised in my "expectations" as a pillow....
And what I have seen in re-examining this, is that I am the one responsible for filling my needs, not my friends, or family, or my cats, but me... I know what my needs are. If someone does not meet my "expectations" well..I'm hurt and miserable and teary and blaming ... ICK...but what if... I just "accept" who they are and what they have to offer.... hmmmm.... will I still be hurt?... maybe... but then I know what to do... I will find another way to fill my need...and not put it on someone else to fill my need... yes....I may hurt some... but in acceptance, I can see "who is whom" and "what is what"... I can see that I am the one who is responsible for me and my feelings.... and the benefit is... I still have friends and family to turn to....
Yes... I think I'll go with "Acceptance" and save those "Expectations" for something else....

In the blink of an eye...

Well summer has arrived in Boulder... It is hot, dry, blue skies, puffy white clouds.... always beautiful....
I waited with excitement for Alison's arrival for the July 4th weekend... she was bringing her boyfriend and I had so many things planned ... hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park... a Rockies game.... fireworks at Chautauqua...many breweries that we missed on her last visit... Alison arrived on schedule... only I was not up to all that I had planned...
Life can change in an instant... one moment you are riding high (literally) and in a split second... everything can change... My left tibial plateau fracture has left me with just time... time to heal... time to contemplate... time to rest... time to observe... time to struggle with daily activities that seemed so mundane and are now huge mountains to conquer... yes... life can change in the blink of an eye... One moment I was riding my bike... finishing a nice ride along the Boulder Creek Path.... I was right in front of my home... and .... I don't know what went wrong... I don't know why I felt unsteady... I don't know how I came to fall off... but I did...and now life is all about time and learning... learning how to climb the stairs... learning how to take a shower... learning how to walk... learning how to get from one place to the next...
I feel like I have been on a 3 week roller coaster. My emotions are all over the place... I cry at the drop of a hat... my stamina has been zapped... but I have triumphs... I just did a load of laundry... I figured out how to get to the machine... I have scrambled an egg for breakfast... I have climbed my stairs and made my way into my bedroom...
I have faith that I can overcome this injury... I believe that I will heal...I pray daily for strength to heal, but since all I have is time... I also believe that this injury has come as a wake up for me...as the universe... or G-d ... telling me... showing me... that this life is not meant to be lived alone...
Prior to this injury... I was praying to open my heart... to release my hurts... to find joy...
Here it is...with this injury...comes the startling revelation that no matter that I am an independent woman, I cannot do this alone... I need to reach out... I need to include... I need people... I need to ask for help... I need to open myself up...
I pray that healing of my heart also comes along with the healing of my leg...
I have time....