Give unto Others

I just want to say that after careful consideration... I've decided not to worry about the holidays.... they will come whether I have a plan or not...But as I was doing my considerable thinking last night, it dawned on me that I am worried about myself...not about myself per se, but whether I'll feel fulfilled or not... Well maybe the trick is to forget that and to concentrate on things outside of myself... maybe the trick is to get into the spirit of the holidays and make them about others... that's what made them so appealing for me in the past... I concentrated on my family... well my family looks different these days... my children will not be here... so maybe... just maybe it's about others...
That will be my new approach...

The holidays you say?

Ahhh the holidays.... I go from loving them to hating them... to being anxious about their arrival and then thinking it will be nice they are here. In the past, as a child, teen, young married woman, and as a married woman with children, I LOVED the holidays... Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas... they were my favorites... big family get togethers... turkey dinners... cutting down the tree... decorating... shopping for presents ... parties... having the kids be excited or surprised by what Santa brought... making sure I could find what Santa needed to bring.... wrapping... staying up watching "It's a Wonderful Life"...all those things brought me joy ... as the years progressed and I became a single mom and the children became older...those holidays became more challenging...I think I began some new traditions with the kids and others that were fun and endearing and actually became more meaningful to me than older traditions... but Thanksgiving Day and Christmas day... well they became a challenge after my divorce... that first Christmas day... oh my gosh... the memory of it brings tears to my eyes even today... I thought my heart was being ripped out... but even as things got better and I got used to the kids going with their dad... things also got weirder... I never have been able to find a place for myself on those days... I mean a place where I have felt like I belonged... especially on Christmas day... I have done so many things on that day to "try and see what fits"... I've been to friends homes... spent it with their families... I've volunteered... I've stayed home and gone visiting all my friends on that day... but... after the children leave and go off with their dad... nothing seems to fit for me... It seems to me that I end up feeling like I'm trying to fill a void as opposed to feeling fulfilled and belonging in any one of those situations...I tried all those different things in hopes of finding "my fit".

This year, I find myself already thinking about the holidays (in October no less!) and I think this year will bring about exceptional challenges for me. I'm in my new home... far away from anything or anyone familiar... far from my children, friends, previous life... This year I will truly be in "new territory". How should I "fill the void" of the holidays... At first I thought I would travel back east for Christmas. I would fly to Philly, spend some time, drive my daughter to her dad's, I would see my children and friends. But then it dawned on me... well I would still have the same feelings about the day and on top of that... not really feel like I belong...since I NO LONGER LIVE THERE... and that seemed like too much for me to handle... so then I thought... maybe I should take a trip... just get the hell out of dodge... ya know... run away... I can think of lots of places to run to... but would that help... maybe my daughter would come here... But here's the thing about traditions... I have mourned the loss of what were once my "family" traditions... I have had to create new ones... My children will hold on to their traditions... As my divorce worked out, we created an environment in which we could share...I don't feel that we ever made our children choose... and so since I've moved, I took myself out of the loop... It didn't dawn on me that I wouldn't see my children over the holidays... That Christmas would be even harder for me since I wouldn't see my children at all. No Christmas eve, no waking on Christmas morning, no wrapping presents all night. Do I even get a Christmas tree? I'm not even Christian but I've always loved Christmas trees and the holidays (hence my conundrum)! I never dreamed that I would find myself in petty moments counting the number of days I've spent with the kids... or in more contemplative moments, thinking about my parents and how they must feel when I choose not to go visit them...as a daughter thinking about my parents, do they wish I would visit them(of course they do), or are they upset when I don't come visit them? Of course that leads me to think, Gosh do my children view me the same way I view my parents?

Oh who knows... I came here to this place find myself and find a place for myself...To heal... to grow... to love... to grieve... I guess this seems as good a time as any to find a life that suits me... find something fulfilling...find... what that wide world has to offer.... So what will the holidays bring?... don't know... where will I be?... London? Arizona? Paris? Colorado? Maybe I'll be away... or maybe I'll just take a nice, long, winter hike.....Maybe that's the beauty of the holidays.

The quiet of the mind...

This is what I love about going on a hike... at some point on the way up...(after I've stopped huffing a puffing...LOL) my mind just clears... I may be thinking of one thing or another... and then.. all of the sudden it dawns on me that I'm quiet... I mean truly quiet... my mind is quiet... no thoughts of the day... no anxieties... nothing going on other than maybe looking at the trees or the birds... but it's amazing to be that quiet...It's such a relaxing thing... I think that quiet moment provides clarity... when you can view your surroundings and just be... It is really a wonderful feeling. That total quiet is something I've never before experienced. I would guess that's what it's like to meditate. I was on my way down concentrating with my new poles... when that quiet dawned on me... It had been there for awhile and I noticed it because when I came upon a fellow hiker I was startled... It's like I was in another world...Let me digress a moment ... as always... to say my poles are awesome! I met a guy on a hike when I first got here and he recommended them... and I thought they would be awkward, or cumbersome... but they aren't... They are fantastic... they provide stability on the slippery slopes... and really help your knees... anyway...I then started thinking about something I read in my daughters blog.... she was writing about "who she is" and I was amazed by how well she knows herself... so that led me to think back to the exercise of I did once in my women's group... "I am a woman who"...and what I've come up with ... on my latest hike... "I am a woman who is on an adventure"...