A funny thing happened to me last weekend... I was nesting.... lol... All weekend... not just on my usual bum around day of Saturday... but ALL WEEKEND!!! I could not understand it... I talked about it ... I was perplexed by it... I'm not giving birth...lol... and now it has come to me... I am letting go.... so I guess in a way ... I am giving birth...
In my struggles to release the past of it's hold on me... I discovered, through my nesting process, all the toxic emails and negotiations of the past... Why on earth had I saved that?! Why on earth did I move 2,000 with that?!... What an amazing amount of pain and negativity to carry around...
The answer is ... so I now can finally purge it in a way that will suit me... I am finally ready... Aside from the collection of paper work, I am purging whatever remaining jewelery, gifts, books I have... things that I thought had no connections, but have come to realize, just represent the sham and duplicity and pain...I am only keeping things that carry something "positive" ... things that are connected to joy... no longer am I "holding on" for the sake of "holding on"...
In the end... it comes down to this... After all this time.. I have finally forgiven myself ...It has taken 11 years and a 2,000 mile move (incredible!), but I am ready to "purge"... I don't need to "hold on" to "things"... Yes... I am at peace with reasons and the outcome...
The ritual is planned and I am finally ready...
Ahhhh... the joys of nesting! And I await that "new bundle of joy"!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Agreements we make....
I am reading the most amazing book... It has been crossing my path for the last couple of months... and I when it came up again.... I realized that I was meant to find it and read it... It is called The Four Agreements... and I do believe that I have found a way to "let go"... The book is about "agreements" that we make with ourselves to either live our lives to their fullest, most joyful...or the agreements that we make that are made out of fear... and cause us pain...
He presents 4 that enable us to live with out fear... I am only on the second ...but I do believe that it is key to the idea of "letting-go"... It is to "Do not take anything personally"... I love this... it recognizes that people do and say things for their own reasons... If your feelings get hurt... it is because the action or word of another has touched a fear in you... amazing... when I take the "personal" out of it... I realize that it is not about me... it is how others are dealing with their own stuff! It's not about me... lol... it's is really about them...
The book talks about how, in our fears... we buy into what others may think about us... we make an "agreement" to see ourselves this way...
This man wrote this book 12 years and he used exact words that I have said to myself and to my therapist when I was in group! He talked about how we "self-abuse", ( ok...I would say that I beat myself up)... and that we find ourselves in relationships with people who will "abuse" us only as much as we "abuse" ourselves... when the "abuse" becomes more than what we give ourselves... that is when we end those relationships... In the case of my marriage... I cannot tell you how true that statement is... I felt that I was "worthy" of only a small amount of love, respect, affection, within the confines of my marriage... but when it fell below what I was willing to settle for.. only then did I do something about it... I had never told anyone how I felt in my marriage until I realized that I was lower than our family dog on the affection scale... and my husband did not like our dog, at that point I finally confided to a friend... and used those exact words..."I feel lower than the dog"... yes... I had made an "agreement" with my husband... I accepted it and it wasn't until his "non love" of me was greater than my own "non love" of myself...that I was willing to start the end of the marriage...I could no longer "accept the agreement"... I had to ask the question that precipitated the end... It was the fact that he finally offered even less than what I was willing to accept could I finally see the end...
The second item that came back to me was his talk of the "masks" that we wear to try to hide who we really are because we are afraid... afraid that people won't like us... accept us... find us worthy...it is what we hide behind because we are not sure of ourselves... we have "agreed" to see ourselves as less... In my group I called it "my veneer"...the face I wanted to present to the world... I always thought of it as my protection... but now maybe it has not been protection at all... maybe it has kept me from living as I would like... maybe it is an "agreement" I accepted out of fear and it has kept pain and fear locked in...
What would happen if I had a new "agreement" with myself... what if I "agreed" to... "be impeccable in my words" and "not take things personally"...wow... Powerful Words...
He presents 4 that enable us to live with out fear... I am only on the second ...but I do believe that it is key to the idea of "letting-go"... It is to "Do not take anything personally"... I love this... it recognizes that people do and say things for their own reasons... If your feelings get hurt... it is because the action or word of another has touched a fear in you... amazing... when I take the "personal" out of it... I realize that it is not about me... it is how others are dealing with their own stuff! It's not about me... lol... it's is really about them...
The book talks about how, in our fears... we buy into what others may think about us... we make an "agreement" to see ourselves this way...
This man wrote this book 12 years and he used exact words that I have said to myself and to my therapist when I was in group! He talked about how we "self-abuse", ( ok...I would say that I beat myself up)... and that we find ourselves in relationships with people who will "abuse" us only as much as we "abuse" ourselves... when the "abuse" becomes more than what we give ourselves... that is when we end those relationships... In the case of my marriage... I cannot tell you how true that statement is... I felt that I was "worthy" of only a small amount of love, respect, affection, within the confines of my marriage... but when it fell below what I was willing to settle for.. only then did I do something about it... I had never told anyone how I felt in my marriage until I realized that I was lower than our family dog on the affection scale... and my husband did not like our dog, at that point I finally confided to a friend... and used those exact words..."I feel lower than the dog"... yes... I had made an "agreement" with my husband... I accepted it and it wasn't until his "non love" of me was greater than my own "non love" of myself...that I was willing to start the end of the marriage...I could no longer "accept the agreement"... I had to ask the question that precipitated the end... It was the fact that he finally offered even less than what I was willing to accept could I finally see the end...
The second item that came back to me was his talk of the "masks" that we wear to try to hide who we really are because we are afraid... afraid that people won't like us... accept us... find us worthy...it is what we hide behind because we are not sure of ourselves... we have "agreed" to see ourselves as less... In my group I called it "my veneer"...the face I wanted to present to the world... I always thought of it as my protection... but now maybe it has not been protection at all... maybe it has kept me from living as I would like... maybe it is an "agreement" I accepted out of fear and it has kept pain and fear locked in...
What would happen if I had a new "agreement" with myself... what if I "agreed" to... "be impeccable in my words" and "not take things personally"...wow... Powerful Words...
Friday, February 6, 2009
My junk drawer
I was digging through a drawer in my office in search of a card to send... and instead found a stash of old cards that I have received... one of them was about a blog entry I made when I first moved here... I saved it... because while it was so simple, it hit the nail right on the head...it was about "just being sure"... Thanks for sending it! I was thinking recently about "pushing the send button"... I did that day... and while I never saved what I sent...after addressing the one issue, my intention was probably more along the lines of that card... Funny how some things over my time here, haven't changed... I did learn however, in that regard, not to push send...lol... much safer to put it in my blog... or just maybe "let it go"...
I also found a card from my sister... She had enclosed 2 old pix and a letter that I had sent her upon hearing of her initial diagnosis in 2000... The pictures were funny... one was of my first car... it was a beast ... a 1973 Pontiac LeMans... put your foot on the pedal and you were doing 80 instantly... One of my first memories of that car is that my mom let me drive to the grocery store the first week I had my license... Upon trying to park, I hit the car next to me and smashed the driver's side headlight...(did not judge the turn-in correctly and as I said before, it was a fast car). I never made it into the store... I drove home in tears...without leaving a note on the other car... my mom made me drive back and leave the note... and amazingly, continued to allow me to drive...lol... I'm a better driver now... I think...
The second picture was from my Sunday school graduation or confirmation... I opted to stay in Sunday school until I was 16 so I wouldn't have to go to hebrew school... lol....Long brown hair, parted in the middle wearing the first long dress I ever owned, long and white with a black and white top...hmmmm... I'm still wearing the same colors.... and carrying a bouquet of daisies... boy I loved that dress! I don't remember much else about the day... or Sunday school for that matter... I was dropped off every Sunday, and promptly left with Lisa Fenton to go to Montgomery Donuts, where we spent the remainder of the morning...smoking, eating donuts (sometimes), and just "hangin" in Bethesda...lol...
The letter to my sister was one that I wrote after she came to tell me that she was diagnosed with "colon cancer"... that was as safe a diagnosis as she could come up with at the time...I always think of our relationship as having more downs than ups... She is the person I struggle the most with... she is hard... she is unpredictable, secretive, she strong willed, I think she is antagonistic, thorny if you will.... but she is, or shall I say was, intellectually, she was brilliant and truly, the most beautiful woman... When she told me of her illness... I tried to put all of those bad feelings behind and talk to her of her strengths..I tried to be compassionate...to find compassion for her... but while I used the words... I don't know that I felt it... But 9 years later... I truly believe it is precisly those qualities... her strength, stubbornness, antagonism, and determined nature, that have enabled her to survive as long as she has... Over the years, I have been frustrated and confounded by her... and now... years later and from geographically far away...I think I may finally ... finally... be able see her for who she really is... and I am filled with compassion for her... She may appear to be a 49 year old woman... but rather to me, she is much like a scared young child...desperately, angrily, clawingly, seeking, and searching for love and approval...She pushes everyone close to her away... only to be left angry, hostile, and disappointed... It breaks my heart...She is the Yin and the Yang... she pushes away and desires... she is stubborn, but wants to please... Yes, she is still hard to take... yes, she is sarcastic and caustic, or gratingly complimentary, but... I feel as if I know her now... I see who she is... my sister...
And I now am filled with compassion and love for this thorny woman/child....
I also found a card from my sister... She had enclosed 2 old pix and a letter that I had sent her upon hearing of her initial diagnosis in 2000... The pictures were funny... one was of my first car... it was a beast ... a 1973 Pontiac LeMans... put your foot on the pedal and you were doing 80 instantly... One of my first memories of that car is that my mom let me drive to the grocery store the first week I had my license... Upon trying to park, I hit the car next to me and smashed the driver's side headlight...(did not judge the turn-in correctly and as I said before, it was a fast car). I never made it into the store... I drove home in tears...without leaving a note on the other car... my mom made me drive back and leave the note... and amazingly, continued to allow me to drive...lol... I'm a better driver now... I think...
The second picture was from my Sunday school graduation or confirmation... I opted to stay in Sunday school until I was 16 so I wouldn't have to go to hebrew school... lol....Long brown hair, parted in the middle wearing the first long dress I ever owned, long and white with a black and white top...hmmmm... I'm still wearing the same colors.... and carrying a bouquet of daisies... boy I loved that dress! I don't remember much else about the day... or Sunday school for that matter... I was dropped off every Sunday, and promptly left with Lisa Fenton to go to Montgomery Donuts, where we spent the remainder of the morning...smoking, eating donuts (sometimes), and just "hangin" in Bethesda...lol...
The letter to my sister was one that I wrote after she came to tell me that she was diagnosed with "colon cancer"... that was as safe a diagnosis as she could come up with at the time...I always think of our relationship as having more downs than ups... She is the person I struggle the most with... she is hard... she is unpredictable, secretive, she strong willed, I think she is antagonistic, thorny if you will.... but she is, or shall I say was, intellectually, she was brilliant and truly, the most beautiful woman... When she told me of her illness... I tried to put all of those bad feelings behind and talk to her of her strengths..I tried to be compassionate...to find compassion for her... but while I used the words... I don't know that I felt it... But 9 years later... I truly believe it is precisly those qualities... her strength, stubbornness, antagonism, and determined nature, that have enabled her to survive as long as she has... Over the years, I have been frustrated and confounded by her... and now... years later and from geographically far away...I think I may finally ... finally... be able see her for who she really is... and I am filled with compassion for her... She may appear to be a 49 year old woman... but rather to me, she is much like a scared young child...desperately, angrily, clawingly, seeking, and searching for love and approval...She pushes everyone close to her away... only to be left angry, hostile, and disappointed... It breaks my heart...She is the Yin and the Yang... she pushes away and desires... she is stubborn, but wants to please... Yes, she is still hard to take... yes, she is sarcastic and caustic, or gratingly complimentary, but... I feel as if I know her now... I see who she is... my sister...
And I now am filled with compassion and love for this thorny woman/child....
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