Friday, February 6, 2009

My junk drawer

I was digging through a drawer in my office in search of a card to send... and instead found a stash of old cards that I have received... one of them was about a blog entry I made when I first moved here... I saved it... because while it was so simple, it hit the nail right on the head...it was about "just being sure"... Thanks for sending it! I was thinking recently about "pushing the send button"... I did that day... and while I never saved what I sent...after addressing the one issue, my intention was probably more along the lines of that card... Funny how some things over my time here, haven't changed... I did learn however, in that regard, not to push send...lol... much safer to put it in my blog... or just maybe "let it go"...
I also found a card from my sister... She had enclosed 2 old pix and a letter that I had sent her upon hearing of her initial diagnosis in 2000... The pictures were funny... one was of my first car... it was a beast ... a 1973 Pontiac LeMans... put your foot on the pedal and you were doing 80 instantly... One of my first memories of that car is that my mom let me drive to the grocery store the first week I had my license... Upon trying to park, I hit the car next to me and smashed the driver's side headlight...(did not judge the turn-in correctly and as I said before, it was a fast car). I never made it into the store... I drove home in tears...without leaving a note on the other car... my mom made me drive back and leave the note... and amazingly, continued to allow me to drive...lol... I'm a better driver now... I think...

The second picture was from my Sunday school graduation or confirmation... I opted to stay in Sunday school until I was 16 so I wouldn't have to go to hebrew school... lol....Long brown hair, parted in the middle wearing the first long dress I ever owned, long and white with a black and white top...hmmmm... I'm still wearing the same colors.... and carrying a bouquet of daisies... boy I loved that dress! I don't remember much else about the day... or Sunday school for that matter... I was dropped off every Sunday, and promptly left with Lisa Fenton to go to Montgomery Donuts, where we spent the remainder of the morning...smoking, eating donuts (sometimes), and just "hangin" in Bethesda...lol...

The letter to my sister was one that I wrote after she came to tell me that she was diagnosed with "colon cancer"... that was as safe a diagnosis as she could come up with at the time...I always think of our relationship as having more downs than ups... She is the person I struggle the most with... she is hard... she is unpredictable, secretive, she strong willed, I think she is antagonistic, thorny if you will.... but she is, or shall I say was, intellectually, she was brilliant and truly, the most beautiful woman... When she told me of her illness... I tried to put all of those bad feelings behind and talk to her of her strengths..I tried to be compassionate...to find compassion for her... but while I used the words... I don't know that I felt it... But 9 years later... I truly believe it is precisly those qualities... her strength, stubbornness, antagonism, and determined nature, that have enabled her to survive as long as she has... Over the years, I have been frustrated and confounded by her... and now... years later and from geographically far away...I think I may finally ... finally... be able see her for who she really is... and I am filled with compassion for her... She may appear to be a 49 year old woman... but rather to me, she is much like a scared young child...desperately, angrily, clawingly, seeking, and searching for love and approval...She pushes everyone close to her away... only to be left angry, hostile, and disappointed... It breaks my heart...She is the Yin and the Yang... she pushes away and desires... she is stubborn, but wants to please... Yes, she is still hard to take... yes, she is sarcastic and caustic, or gratingly complimentary, but... I feel as if I know her now... I see who she is... my sister...
And I now am filled with compassion and love for this thorny woman/child....

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