Sobbing at 6,000'

When will I learn from my mistakes... when will I be able to reveal my feelings as mine without hurting another... I just don't know... God, I hope it's soon... I pray make it soon... I guess the one positive thing is... ( and that is certainly backhanded for I don't really see any positive!) I did say how I feel... but ultimately it was not quite correct or true ... for how I truly feel is much more painful than what I was able to reveal at that time... I feel alone, without a "touch-stone" in the world... with out a place in the world... in a beautiful place, but not belonging...feeling like ... this is the place I'm supposed to be, but not knowing where I fit... and no one to share it with... that was part of how great Ali's visit was... I could show her this amazing place... I could share that with her... Maybe that exacerbated, or intensified how alone I felt when she was gone... Maybe the lesson I should learn is Never, ever, under any circumstances, push the send button... I can't believe the lesson is to never share your feelings... how do you do that?... I guess it's very tricky... when do you feel safe enough to reveal? ... how do you do it without hurting someone else?... not having much experience in that area, I just don't know... I don't know what to do with that pain... I take responsibility for what I did... I cant take it back... it's out there... and I can't really make it better...

So I guess the lesson is in loss.... now that is something I have already experienced a lot of... familiar territory for me... all too familiar...

I took a hike today... it was hot... and the trail looked really different in just the week from when I had last hiked it... but maybe it was just my frame of mind... I'm just soooo incredibly sad... I am sad for the mistake I made, I'm sad that I hurt a friend... and at the very bottom of this sadness... is the ultimate truth... I am lonely!!! this is not how I get my energy... I miss my friend... that would have been the proper and correct thing to say... yes I believe what I said... but at the bottom... here is the truth... I feel that way out of loneliness....out of missing them... out of my loss of contact and that "touch-stone"...

So the good thing about hiking alone... and being on this particular trail is... you can just sit down and sob... I mean wail... and only the birds, lizards, mountains, trees, rocks, and grass can hear... and so... that is exactly what I did....and I the mountain answered... with dark clouds and thunder.... I made it to the top and back down before the rain...

After I got to the bottom and to the car... after I had prayed and pleaded with God to help me... to answer me... to show me what to do... I headed up the canyon to Nederland... because... I couldn't make a left turn to go home so, I thought ... "well I'll make a right and turn around when I can"... but I didn't turn around... I just kept driving... up and up... driving toward the sunshine and clean air... When I arrived in Nederland... I went to the rock shop, then on to the deli... where ... surprise surprise... someone knew me... from the dentist office! He made me a great sandwich. I then went to the stained glass shop and met Susane again... I met her briefly last month... she told me her story of coming to CO... leaving her home and friends and career to be here... that sounded very familiar... When I walked into her shop today... she greeted me with a big hug... and I cried again... this time at 8200'...

I believe God puts people in our paths...You know, I think maybe that's my lesson...My lesson is to reach out... I'm just not very good at it yet... I reached out in one way... and it turned out that I hurt someone because I didn't do in the proper way... I reached out in another way by driving to Nederland and going to Susane's shop.... I left with a couple of stained glass pieces... a new mantra that she gave me... and a new connection....

I ended the day in Nederland with a couple of beers, listening to music, and watching the sunset over the Rockies. That was beautiful...

The sadness is still here... so are the tears... I'm crying still... but... I'm open... I'm broken down... I guess... I'm ready....I'm listening... I'm hopeful....I'm thankful...