This weekend brought me back to Red Rocks to see Bob Dylan...I was still amazed by the beauty of the place... but this time I sat farther back and my view of the stage included the city of Denver in the background... watching the lights come on all over the city while listening to Bob Dylan well... that's pretty cool! It was amazing to see Bob Dylan!...I hadn't seen him since I was 16... his voice is shot... and he made no connection with the audience...he didn't even introduce his amazing band until the 1st encore... but the songs he sang and the fact that he wrote music that was so important to an entire generation... well... I was blown away... from "Everybody must get Stoned"...(and trust me... they did!) , "Tangled up in Blue", "Don't Think Twice", to "All Along the Watchtower"... I just kept saying to myself... "that's Bob Dylan"...WOW!!! Another great show in a great place...
Saturday... I had to get my copy of Harry Potter... someone told me that the college book store would be a good place to buy the book... as there are not a lot of students on campus yet... and the book store would have plenty of books... so I did... (paid full price... yikes) and I had my book! I ran all the errands that I needed to... I went to Costco... (the book was 1/2 the price), got my snacks, and by 6:30 -7:00 I was settled in... I continued reading until I finished the book at 9pm on Sunday... It was delicious, fabulous, wonderful!... It was pure luxury to sit and read a good book for the entire weekend! Now... I'm having a little Harry Potter withdrawl...hmmm... maybe I'll start ll over again when I get my things...
Anyway... 2 classics... 1 weekend... pretty cool..
Monday, July 23, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
I've got to admit it's getting better...
A little better all the time...
I love The Beatles.... and while I'm not an angry young man... and I haven't been cruel... that part of the chorus certainly seems apt... I have had my sad Boulder moments... but as a friend reminded me the other day... we do tend to write when feeling down... so I thought it would be good to write when things are going well... and they are... things really are getting better... a little better all the time... (can't get much worse...).I've learned so much about myself being here... my likes and dislikes... what I can tolerate and what I can't... but the biggest thing I've learned is really about being on my own.. .while I know that being alone too much doesn't really renew my spirit... I've learned that I can appreciate and not fear being alone... I was reminded that one needs to learn to be completely comfortable being alone... and after my lowest point, I think that I am comfortable in that...so ..."a little better all the time..."
I love The Beatles.... and while I'm not an angry young man... and I haven't been cruel... that part of the chorus certainly seems apt... I have had my sad Boulder moments... but as a friend reminded me the other day... we do tend to write when feeling down... so I thought it would be good to write when things are going well... and they are... things really are getting better... a little better all the time... (can't get much worse...).I've learned so much about myself being here... my likes and dislikes... what I can tolerate and what I can't... but the biggest thing I've learned is really about being on my own.. .while I know that being alone too much doesn't really renew my spirit... I've learned that I can appreciate and not fear being alone... I was reminded that one needs to learn to be completely comfortable being alone... and after my lowest point, I think that I am comfortable in that...so ..."a little better all the time..."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Red Rocks Rocks!!
Last night I went to see Lyle Lovett at Red Rocks Amphitheatre... What an amazing place.... 2 huge sandstone monoliths on either side and a sandstone backdrop form the natural amphitheatre. In reading the history of the place... there were performances there as far back as the early 1900's. The CCC and WPA built the permanent structures and it was officially opened in 1941. The woman that sat next to me said the acoustics are so good that when exploring the place ( and you can come anytime) if you stand on the stage, speak and be heard at the back.
So imagine the natural beauty, the stars in the Colorado night sky, and top it all off.... fabulous music.... well that would have been enough... but there is more... we got back stage passes and met Lyle Lovett!! what a gracious man... not only talented...but warm and friendly.... We were hanging out downstairs in the room where the band members and their guests meet and we were getting ready to leave... Lyle Lovett came over with his hand extended and said "Hi, I'm Lyle" I was my usual stammering self... How cool was that! Pretty darn cool!
So imagine the natural beauty, the stars in the Colorado night sky, and top it all off.... fabulous music.... well that would have been enough... but there is more... we got back stage passes and met Lyle Lovett!! what a gracious man... not only talented...but warm and friendly.... We were hanging out downstairs in the room where the band members and their guests meet and we were getting ready to leave... Lyle Lovett came over with his hand extended and said "Hi, I'm Lyle" I was my usual stammering self... How cool was that! Pretty darn cool!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Sobbing at 6,000'
When will I learn from my mistakes... when will I be able to reveal my feelings as mine without hurting another... I just don't know... God, I hope it's soon... I pray make it soon... I guess the one positive thing is... ( and that is certainly backhanded for I don't really see any positive!) I did say how I feel... but ultimately it was not quite correct or true ... for how I truly feel is much more painful than what I was able to reveal at that time... I feel alone, without a "touch-stone" in the world... with out a place in the world... in a beautiful place, but not belonging...feeling like ... this is the place I'm supposed to be, but not knowing where I fit... and no one to share it with... that was part of how great Ali's visit was... I could show her this amazing place... I could share that with her... Maybe that exacerbated, or intensified how alone I felt when she was gone... Maybe the lesson I should learn is Never, ever, under any circumstances, push the send button... I can't believe the lesson is to never share your feelings... how do you do that?... I guess it's very tricky... when do you feel safe enough to reveal? ... how do you do it without hurting someone else?... not having much experience in that area, I just don't know... I don't know what to do with that pain... I take responsibility for what I did... I cant take it back... it's out there... and I can't really make it better...
So I guess the lesson is in loss.... now that is something I have already experienced a lot of... familiar territory for me... all too familiar...
I took a hike today... it was hot... and the trail looked really different in just the week from when I had last hiked it... but maybe it was just my frame of mind... I'm just soooo incredibly sad... I am sad for the mistake I made, I'm sad that I hurt a friend... and at the very bottom of this sadness... is the ultimate truth... I am lonely!!! this is not how I get my energy... I miss my friend... that would have been the proper and correct thing to say... yes I believe what I said... but at the bottom... here is the truth... I feel that way out of loneliness....out of missing them... out of my loss of contact and that "touch-stone"...
So the good thing about hiking alone... and being on this particular trail is... you can just sit down and sob... I mean wail... and only the birds, lizards, mountains, trees, rocks, and grass can hear... and so... that is exactly what I did....and I the mountain answered... with dark clouds and thunder.... I made it to the top and back down before the rain...
After I got to the bottom and to the car... after I had prayed and pleaded with God to help me... to answer me... to show me what to do... I headed up the canyon to Nederland... because... I couldn't make a left turn to go home so, I thought ... "well I'll make a right and turn around when I can"... but I didn't turn around... I just kept driving... up and up... driving toward the sunshine and clean air... When I arrived in Nederland... I went to the rock shop, then on to the deli... where ... surprise surprise... someone knew me... from the dentist office! He made me a great sandwich. I then went to the stained glass shop and met Susane again... I met her briefly last month... she told me her story of coming to CO... leaving her home and friends and career to be here... that sounded very familiar... When I walked into her shop today... she greeted me with a big hug... and I cried again... this time at 8200'...
I believe God puts people in our paths...You know, I think maybe that's my lesson...My lesson is to reach out... I'm just not very good at it yet... I reached out in one way... and it turned out that I hurt someone because I didn't do in the proper way... I reached out in another way by driving to Nederland and going to Susane's shop.... I left with a couple of stained glass pieces... a new mantra that she gave me... and a new connection....
I ended the day in Nederland with a couple of beers, listening to music, and watching the sunset over the Rockies. That was beautiful...
The sadness is still here... so are the tears... I'm crying still... but... I'm open... I'm broken down... I guess... I'm ready....I'm listening... I'm hopeful....I'm thankful...
So I guess the lesson is in loss.... now that is something I have already experienced a lot of... familiar territory for me... all too familiar...
I took a hike today... it was hot... and the trail looked really different in just the week from when I had last hiked it... but maybe it was just my frame of mind... I'm just soooo incredibly sad... I am sad for the mistake I made, I'm sad that I hurt a friend... and at the very bottom of this sadness... is the ultimate truth... I am lonely!!! this is not how I get my energy... I miss my friend... that would have been the proper and correct thing to say... yes I believe what I said... but at the bottom... here is the truth... I feel that way out of loneliness....out of missing them... out of my loss of contact and that "touch-stone"...
So the good thing about hiking alone... and being on this particular trail is... you can just sit down and sob... I mean wail... and only the birds, lizards, mountains, trees, rocks, and grass can hear... and so... that is exactly what I did....and I the mountain answered... with dark clouds and thunder.... I made it to the top and back down before the rain...
After I got to the bottom and to the car... after I had prayed and pleaded with God to help me... to answer me... to show me what to do... I headed up the canyon to Nederland... because... I couldn't make a left turn to go home so, I thought ... "well I'll make a right and turn around when I can"... but I didn't turn around... I just kept driving... up and up... driving toward the sunshine and clean air... When I arrived in Nederland... I went to the rock shop, then on to the deli... where ... surprise surprise... someone knew me... from the dentist office! He made me a great sandwich. I then went to the stained glass shop and met Susane again... I met her briefly last month... she told me her story of coming to CO... leaving her home and friends and career to be here... that sounded very familiar... When I walked into her shop today... she greeted me with a big hug... and I cried again... this time at 8200'...
I believe God puts people in our paths...You know, I think maybe that's my lesson...My lesson is to reach out... I'm just not very good at it yet... I reached out in one way... and it turned out that I hurt someone because I didn't do in the proper way... I reached out in another way by driving to Nederland and going to Susane's shop.... I left with a couple of stained glass pieces... a new mantra that she gave me... and a new connection....
I ended the day in Nederland with a couple of beers, listening to music, and watching the sunset over the Rockies. That was beautiful...
The sadness is still here... so are the tears... I'm crying still... but... I'm open... I'm broken down... I guess... I'm ready....I'm listening... I'm hopeful....I'm thankful...
Saturday, June 30, 2007
visits from home
My daughter is here for a visit and while we haven't lived in the same home for quite a while, she is home to me... home is where the heart is... Anyway.. it's so fabulous to have her here... and show her some of my new home... she hasn't been out here since she was a young girl. .. And she brought me treats from the east... James Salt Water Taffy from Atlantic City (oh the memories of being a young girl in AC) and coffee from the Italian market.
7/6/07
Ali and I were a whirlwind of activity while she was here... up mountains, down mountains, climbing mountains, Shakespeare outdoors, cirque de solieau, pearl street, fireworks ( natural and man-made) , tours of Coors and Celestial Seasons (ahhh the mint room-brings tears to my eyes)... Ali put it best..."You are showing me everything, like you're worried I won't come back for another visit"... kinda true...lol... but I think she had fun and really could see what draws me to this place....people and surroundings.... and I do believe she will come back for another visit... she is my heart and home... what a fabulous woman she is!
7/6/07
Ali and I were a whirlwind of activity while she was here... up mountains, down mountains, climbing mountains, Shakespeare outdoors, cirque de solieau, pearl street, fireworks ( natural and man-made) , tours of Coors and Celestial Seasons (ahhh the mint room-brings tears to my eyes)... Ali put it best..."You are showing me everything, like you're worried I won't come back for another visit"... kinda true...lol... but I think she had fun and really could see what draws me to this place....people and surroundings.... and I do believe she will come back for another visit... she is my heart and home... what a fabulous woman she is!
Monday, June 11, 2007
As time goes by....
Well... I've been in Boulder for 6 weeks, left G'burg 2 weeks before that, and sold my home 2 weeks before that....so it's been a while since:
a) I've seen my stuff
b) since I've had a home
but time has a way of easing some pains, playing with one's memory, and also tugging on your heart.
I'm continuing to explore Boulder and am enjoying the "great outdoors" and weather here.
4 weeks and 6 days... I took my first hike up the mountain in Chatacqua...Rusty had said climb Royal Arch and take a picture... so I did.... Amazing!!!... from the top you can see all the way to Denver (about 25 miles away)... on a really clear day... (the first hike) you can see the airport , which is even farther. The arch itself is pretty amazing and it makes you wonder how 2 massive sand stone structures can be linked together like that... met at the exact angle to create that arch millions of years ago....it's just beautiful... the climb itself, as I have learned, is of moderate difficulty, due to the rise in altitude in the mile it takes to reach the arch... just over 1200 feet. so it can be steep in some places... My first hike up, took 2 1/2 to 3 hours... and just about an hour on the way down... I was incredibly sore for the next 3 days! lol... but I made it to the top! I did send a couple of pictures to Rusty and he didn't know who they were from! He called my cell... asked "who is this?" "I thought someone was sending me pictures from an airplane..." I did the hike again this past week and am not as sore..actually.. I'm not sore... and I improved my time by an hour on the way up and 20 mins on the way down! The weather this past week was weird.. we had a huge wind storm ... 100 mile an hour winds... all night long... power went out here and also at work.... just strange... but I also had a hard week emotionally... I'm lonely...
Sometimes I feel like I'm in "no mans land" I can't go home again... and I haven't quite made it here... I'm not much of a "joiner"... but I will have to do something to meet people... I just don't know what yet.... for now ... I'm just going to continue to do the things I like... I'll go hiking... I bought a trail book and map... this city is just filled with trails! I will join a gym... I'm moving to my new temp place on Friday... I think I'm going to buy a bike and I can bike to work and around... I am soooooooo looking forward to Alison coming out for a visit! That is keeping me going. I just can't wait to share the town with her and spend time with her. To see someone that I love and someone that loves me... that is something I truly miss...
My head knows that this is an adventure for me, a time to grow, discover... I can see and acknowledge that this is a blessing for me... I will and am growing as a person... but my heart... ahhh.... that's a different scenario... It's breaking... or maybe not breaking... it's broken... and I haven't been able to fix it, or patch it, or just rebuild yet... Maybe that's the thing... that's the lesson to learn.. how to do it "myself" ... I'm looking for a friend... a kind word... a playmate... someone to hang with... maybe the lesson is "do it on your own" or "learn to nurture and care for me and my own heart as I would for someone else"... hmmmm.... either way...
this is what I do know.... the mountains make me smile... the vastness of the sky makes me smile... the intensity of the weather... makes me smile... the smallness of the town... makes me smile... a good hike ... makes me smile...
so I think those things are a good start....
a) I've seen my stuff
b) since I've had a home
but time has a way of easing some pains, playing with one's memory, and also tugging on your heart.
I'm continuing to explore Boulder and am enjoying the "great outdoors" and weather here.
4 weeks and 6 days... I took my first hike up the mountain in Chatacqua...Rusty had said climb Royal Arch and take a picture... so I did.... Amazing!!!... from the top you can see all the way to Denver (about 25 miles away)... on a really clear day... (the first hike) you can see the airport , which is even farther. The arch itself is pretty amazing and it makes you wonder how 2 massive sand stone structures can be linked together like that... met at the exact angle to create that arch millions of years ago....it's just beautiful... the climb itself, as I have learned, is of moderate difficulty, due to the rise in altitude in the mile it takes to reach the arch... just over 1200 feet. so it can be steep in some places... My first hike up, took 2 1/2 to 3 hours... and just about an hour on the way down... I was incredibly sore for the next 3 days! lol... but I made it to the top! I did send a couple of pictures to Rusty and he didn't know who they were from! He called my cell... asked "who is this?" "I thought someone was sending me pictures from an airplane..." I did the hike again this past week and am not as sore..actually.. I'm not sore... and I improved my time by an hour on the way up and 20 mins on the way down! The weather this past week was weird.. we had a huge wind storm ... 100 mile an hour winds... all night long... power went out here and also at work.... just strange... but I also had a hard week emotionally... I'm lonely...
Sometimes I feel like I'm in "no mans land" I can't go home again... and I haven't quite made it here... I'm not much of a "joiner"... but I will have to do something to meet people... I just don't know what yet.... for now ... I'm just going to continue to do the things I like... I'll go hiking... I bought a trail book and map... this city is just filled with trails! I will join a gym... I'm moving to my new temp place on Friday... I think I'm going to buy a bike and I can bike to work and around... I am soooooooo looking forward to Alison coming out for a visit! That is keeping me going. I just can't wait to share the town with her and spend time with her. To see someone that I love and someone that loves me... that is something I truly miss...
My head knows that this is an adventure for me, a time to grow, discover... I can see and acknowledge that this is a blessing for me... I will and am growing as a person... but my heart... ahhh.... that's a different scenario... It's breaking... or maybe not breaking... it's broken... and I haven't been able to fix it, or patch it, or just rebuild yet... Maybe that's the thing... that's the lesson to learn.. how to do it "myself" ... I'm looking for a friend... a kind word... a playmate... someone to hang with... maybe the lesson is "do it on your own" or "learn to nurture and care for me and my own heart as I would for someone else"... hmmmm.... either way...
this is what I do know.... the mountains make me smile... the vastness of the sky makes me smile... the intensity of the weather... makes me smile... the smallness of the town... makes me smile... a good hike ... makes me smile...
so I think those things are a good start....
Monday, May 28, 2007
4 weeks + 1 day-possibilities
I think I have to revise something from my last entry. It is not Friendship that I miss.. I have that ... I mean I have many wonderful friends that I keep in touch with... so I did misspeak (lol... if that's a word) I miss companionship... that is really more of it... I miss the "hey what are you doing tonight? do you want to _____ fill in the blank... But here is thing that I realized as a new day dawned... I have felt that way for a long, long, long time... Terry and I would debate the idea of companionship often... For me, it feels like a void in my soul....Sure, I could "cover up" the void in any number of ways...I would call, go, do, and then the void was ignored or I was distracted from it for a while... but I was none the less trying to "fill the void". Here, so far from familiar surroundings, I can't distract myself from it... It is here, it exists, it is mine... and I feel it, there are no distractions from it. I believe in so many ways, it was the impetus of the journey... So I think the answer is to maybe embrace it, care for it, nurture it... heal... and then "live as if"... as if everything I've wanted is already here... Just that thought makes me smile....I believe it is my blessing... it is the thing that will "take me to the next place in my life"
Here is a new day... the sky is a brilliant Boulder Blue, the clouds are big and puffy, people are out and about celebrating ... Bolder Boulder (10K race) is underway, with a variety of performers playing all over town... the mountain trail is there for the hiking... the possibilities are endless... and I am .... thankful for all that is before me and all that brought me here...
Here is a new day... the sky is a brilliant Boulder Blue, the clouds are big and puffy, people are out and about celebrating ... Bolder Boulder (10K race) is underway, with a variety of performers playing all over town... the mountain trail is there for the hiking... the possibilities are endless... and I am .... thankful for all that is before me and all that brought me here...
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