PT - physical therapy or physical torture....hmmmm

Yes ... I began physical therapy today... I thought it would just be some exercises to strengthen or redevelop some muscles that have atrophied; hence preparing me for walking in about 3 weeks... Well.... I guess that was happened... and really nothing that I did was painful... what became extremely apparent is ... HOW LITTLE I can do... and after my hour of this... how physically exhausted I was... bend your leg... hmmmm ... how do I do that... lay on your stomach and bend your knee... hmmmm... well.. I can tell you... my face... my upper body... my abs... my gluts... they were all straining... how much of a bend did I do? Hardly anything... and since I could not see... or feel... I had no way of measuring my success... All the exercises I have been doing have helped some... but the reality is my ankle does not move well... my quads... hmmm... virtually non-existant... calf..... not good... The therapist was great... but what I have come to realize is .... the surgery was only the beginning... this is really the long haul.....

The Healing Process

It is funny to think about the progress that I have made since that fall 9 weeks ago, and how the body heals....It is a miraculous process...In the beginning, I had a hard time doing anything.... everything I did took time.... it hurt... I was cautious...I was taking baby steps... but as the weeks progressed... I have made such progress... yes... it still takes a lot of time to do things... but it has become second nature... I can get up and down the stairs... I can shower... I can make coffee ( and here is the remarkable part; it is that not only can I make coffee... but I have figured out a way to carry my coffee and drink it wherever I want! Yay!)... I can drive... I have also become accustomed to my limitations... I can only drive for 1 hour... I can only sit with my leg down for 2 hours... I need to go upstairs before I get too tired... I can clean my bathroom, but cannot push my vacuum...But with the recognition of my healing and my limitations, I feel independent... I feel like I can manage on my own...I feel like I'm on the road to getting my life back...
I am so grateful for the friends and family that walked me through this hard time to get me to this point.... They bolstered my spirits...made meals... supported my baby steps... cried with me... gave me comfort when I couldn't see past the immediate... prayed with me and for me... sent their love and healing thoughts my way... It fills my heart and soul...and gave me inspiration... it still does...
My parents left yesterday and independent living began again... I have the quiet of my home... I have my cats... I can listen to the radio...sing at the top of my lungs... yes... independent living can begin at any age... but I know that I have the love and support of so many... independent living doesn't mean living alone... and through this injury I recognize the difference.
That is truly the healing process at it's best and most remarkable!

withdrawal?

I am currently experiencing a sort of withdrawal. I have developed a sort of routine during my convalescence... In the evenings, after dinner, I cozy down on the couch, with a glass of wine, and for 2 weeks watched the Olympics... it was great... I enjoyed watching things that I would not have normally watched... Then when the Olympics ended, I watched with great enjoyment the Democratic convention... 4 nights of political speeches...knocking George Bush and the Republicans... I was in heaven... well ...
Now what?! The Olympics have ended... No more convention....What am I to do! Yes... I am definitely experiencing withdrawal.

Senior Citizen in Training

Talking to a friend the other night and discussing what I can and can't do... and what hurts and doesn't hurt... I felt like I was sounding like an "old lady"... but she then, realizing my age, she remarked... "you could be a senior citizen in training!" So bring me my walker... lol.... Senior citizen in training! I hope my training lasts a long, long time... lol

Summer Daydreams....

Well there isn't much to do...I sit...I doze... I watch TV... I read... I do crossword puzzles... but my favorite...is to sit, watch my little hummingbirds and daydream... My latest daydream came about as a result of my sister-in-law's latest venture... she has recently decided that she would like to sell baked goods and homemade soups... I have always wanted to open a coffee shop... what if we could combine the two.... wouldn't that be fabulous!! We could sell her delicious baked goods... have lunches of homemade soups... Alison came up with the idea of adding tea selections and importing Anthony's chocolates from the Italian market... ahhh... the dream continues.... comfy chairs... wifi... board games... books... newspapers... a great neighborhood place to just hang out...
ahhh... the beauty of summer day dreams!

Great Expectations

Expectations are funny things... We all have them... we use them all the time... but as I sit here in my convalescence, I realize that there is a distinct difference between expectations and acceptance... Expectations I believe, are what we should use in predicting how actions should go, or in math, or, for example... "if I don't water my plant... my expectation is that it will die"... Those are the instances to use "expectations". But I have finally come to realize that one should never.... I repeat never, use expectations when dealing with people... What we should use when dealing with our friends, family, is "acceptance".
My confusion regarding these two ideas is long standing... I used expectations constantly in my marriage... I honestly thought, because I behaved in a certain manner, that my partner would behave in a certain way as well... I had EXPECTATIONS, about "who he was", how he would behave, how our lives would go. It was like resting my head against a what I thought was a comfy pillow and wondering why it's hurting. When my expectations were taken away, I discovered that it was a brick wall ... Hmmmmm... I kept thinking during all our struggles...why would you behave this way.... this isn't what I was "expecting"?! Once I took away my expectations.... I could see there was not a comfy pillow.... but indeed a brick wall.... No wonder my head was sooo sore! Once I took away my expectations, I could see the man for "who he really was.... and most importantly, not who I really wanted him to be"...I can now accept "who he is". It doesn't mean I like it, or was not hurt by it.... It just means... I understand...Oh those tricky "expectations".
But, still I get confused by them... I really want things to be how I "expect" them to be... and what I again realize... It's not about "Expectations" it's about "Acceptance"... I recognize my own confusion with this in regards to friends... I have "expectations" and then when it doesn't go in the way I expect... I am left feeling so hurt....So much so... that I have been forced to look at this again... That darn brick wall disguised in my "expectations" as a pillow....
And what I have seen in re-examining this, is that I am the one responsible for filling my needs, not my friends, or family, or my cats, but me... I know what my needs are. If someone does not meet my "expectations" well..I'm hurt and miserable and teary and blaming ... ICK...but what if... I just "accept" who they are and what they have to offer.... hmmmm.... will I still be hurt?... maybe... but then I know what to do... I will find another way to fill my need...and not put it on someone else to fill my need... yes....I may hurt some... but in acceptance, I can see "who is whom" and "what is what"... I can see that I am the one who is responsible for me and my feelings.... and the benefit is... I still have friends and family to turn to....
Yes... I think I'll go with "Acceptance" and save those "Expectations" for something else....

In the blink of an eye...

Well summer has arrived in Boulder... It is hot, dry, blue skies, puffy white clouds.... always beautiful....
I waited with excitement for Alison's arrival for the July 4th weekend... she was bringing her boyfriend and I had so many things planned ... hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park... a Rockies game.... fireworks at Chautauqua...many breweries that we missed on her last visit... Alison arrived on schedule... only I was not up to all that I had planned...
Life can change in an instant... one moment you are riding high (literally) and in a split second... everything can change... My left tibial plateau fracture has left me with just time... time to heal... time to contemplate... time to rest... time to observe... time to struggle with daily activities that seemed so mundane and are now huge mountains to conquer... yes... life can change in the blink of an eye... One moment I was riding my bike... finishing a nice ride along the Boulder Creek Path.... I was right in front of my home... and .... I don't know what went wrong... I don't know why I felt unsteady... I don't know how I came to fall off... but I did...and now life is all about time and learning... learning how to climb the stairs... learning how to take a shower... learning how to walk... learning how to get from one place to the next...
I feel like I have been on a 3 week roller coaster. My emotions are all over the place... I cry at the drop of a hat... my stamina has been zapped... but I have triumphs... I just did a load of laundry... I figured out how to get to the machine... I have scrambled an egg for breakfast... I have climbed my stairs and made my way into my bedroom...
I have faith that I can overcome this injury... I believe that I will heal...I pray daily for strength to heal, but since all I have is time... I also believe that this injury has come as a wake up for me...as the universe... or G-d ... telling me... showing me... that this life is not meant to be lived alone...
Prior to this injury... I was praying to open my heart... to release my hurts... to find joy...
Here it is...with this injury...comes the startling revelation that no matter that I am an independent woman, I cannot do this alone... I need to reach out... I need to include... I need people... I need to ask for help... I need to open myself up...
I pray that healing of my heart also comes along with the healing of my leg...
I have time....