Great Expectations

Expectations are funny things... We all have them... we use them all the time... but as I sit here in my convalescence, I realize that there is a distinct difference between expectations and acceptance... Expectations I believe, are what we should use in predicting how actions should go, or in math, or, for example... "if I don't water my plant... my expectation is that it will die"... Those are the instances to use "expectations". But I have finally come to realize that one should never.... I repeat never, use expectations when dealing with people... What we should use when dealing with our friends, family, is "acceptance".
My confusion regarding these two ideas is long standing... I used expectations constantly in my marriage... I honestly thought, because I behaved in a certain manner, that my partner would behave in a certain way as well... I had EXPECTATIONS, about "who he was", how he would behave, how our lives would go. It was like resting my head against a what I thought was a comfy pillow and wondering why it's hurting. When my expectations were taken away, I discovered that it was a brick wall ... Hmmmmm... I kept thinking during all our struggles...why would you behave this way.... this isn't what I was "expecting"?! Once I took away my expectations.... I could see there was not a comfy pillow.... but indeed a brick wall.... No wonder my head was sooo sore! Once I took away my expectations, I could see the man for "who he really was.... and most importantly, not who I really wanted him to be"...I can now accept "who he is". It doesn't mean I like it, or was not hurt by it.... It just means... I understand...Oh those tricky "expectations".
But, still I get confused by them... I really want things to be how I "expect" them to be... and what I again realize... It's not about "Expectations" it's about "Acceptance"... I recognize my own confusion with this in regards to friends... I have "expectations" and then when it doesn't go in the way I expect... I am left feeling so hurt....So much so... that I have been forced to look at this again... That darn brick wall disguised in my "expectations" as a pillow....
And what I have seen in re-examining this, is that I am the one responsible for filling my needs, not my friends, or family, or my cats, but me... I know what my needs are. If someone does not meet my "expectations" well..I'm hurt and miserable and teary and blaming ... ICK...but what if... I just "accept" who they are and what they have to offer.... hmmmm.... will I still be hurt?... maybe... but then I know what to do... I will find another way to fill my need...and not put it on someone else to fill my need... yes....I may hurt some... but in acceptance, I can see "who is whom" and "what is what"... I can see that I am the one who is responsible for me and my feelings.... and the benefit is... I still have friends and family to turn to....
Yes... I think I'll go with "Acceptance" and save those "Expectations" for something else....

In the blink of an eye...

Well summer has arrived in Boulder... It is hot, dry, blue skies, puffy white clouds.... always beautiful....
I waited with excitement for Alison's arrival for the July 4th weekend... she was bringing her boyfriend and I had so many things planned ... hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park... a Rockies game.... fireworks at Chautauqua...many breweries that we missed on her last visit... Alison arrived on schedule... only I was not up to all that I had planned...
Life can change in an instant... one moment you are riding high (literally) and in a split second... everything can change... My left tibial plateau fracture has left me with just time... time to heal... time to contemplate... time to rest... time to observe... time to struggle with daily activities that seemed so mundane and are now huge mountains to conquer... yes... life can change in the blink of an eye... One moment I was riding my bike... finishing a nice ride along the Boulder Creek Path.... I was right in front of my home... and .... I don't know what went wrong... I don't know why I felt unsteady... I don't know how I came to fall off... but I did...and now life is all about time and learning... learning how to climb the stairs... learning how to take a shower... learning how to walk... learning how to get from one place to the next...
I feel like I have been on a 3 week roller coaster. My emotions are all over the place... I cry at the drop of a hat... my stamina has been zapped... but I have triumphs... I just did a load of laundry... I figured out how to get to the machine... I have scrambled an egg for breakfast... I have climbed my stairs and made my way into my bedroom...
I have faith that I can overcome this injury... I believe that I will heal...I pray daily for strength to heal, but since all I have is time... I also believe that this injury has come as a wake up for me...as the universe... or G-d ... telling me... showing me... that this life is not meant to be lived alone...
Prior to this injury... I was praying to open my heart... to release my hurts... to find joy...
Here it is...with this injury...comes the startling revelation that no matter that I am an independent woman, I cannot do this alone... I need to reach out... I need to include... I need people... I need to ask for help... I need to open myself up...
I pray that healing of my heart also comes along with the healing of my leg...
I have time....

Night Musings

Wow... It's been a long time since I have written... Yes... I did survive the holidays... although I will admit to Xmas day being very difficult... but survive I did... and the Colorado snow on Xmas day was just about perfect...
I really didn't make any New Year resolutions... but since I came back from Philly with a cold, I decided health was what I should concentrate on in the New Year... I decided to find a dr. and do what adults should do... get a physical... and what I found out is that years of neglect really do have some consequences... so now, aware of all my frailties, I need to make a real effort at health....I always thought I was "healthy"... well it's easy to think that if you don't check it out...lol... the reality is that neglect, and chemotherapy have taken their tolls. So it is really time to work at health...
I'm taking an Anatomy and Physiology class at the community college and finding it very challenging, but enjoyable... I am really using my brain... and I like that...
I am having fun using my snowshoes...(xmas gift from my children) and am looking forward to learning to ski...
I have taken to routines... class Monday and Wednesday nights, sushi on Friday nights, study over the weekend with an occasional hike thrown in...Note to self... must do more hiking! The weather has been great!
I have discovered that I love snow! I now understand why in Nordic or Arctic regions, they have so many words for snow...because it can be different on any given day or time...the snow here is so different than it is back east... It is soft, light, slippery, white... the snow in Boulder usually melts in a couple of days...The sun usually comes out the next day, and even if it's cold, it is usually bright and clear... I think the longest the snow stayed on the ground here was a week...(there was a lot of snow!) The Flatirons are beautiful in the snow....
I have taken to examining my relationships past and current... the ones with old friends, with my parents, my children, my siblings, bosses, new friends.... with a new sense of who I am, how I fit, and who I want to be...
I have taken to really examining what I want... and coming up with answers...
So... after such a long absence, I can say....
Life is Good.....

Give unto Others

I just want to say that after careful consideration... I've decided not to worry about the holidays.... they will come whether I have a plan or not...But as I was doing my considerable thinking last night, it dawned on me that I am worried about myself...not about myself per se, but whether I'll feel fulfilled or not... Well maybe the trick is to forget that and to concentrate on things outside of myself... maybe the trick is to get into the spirit of the holidays and make them about others... that's what made them so appealing for me in the past... I concentrated on my family... well my family looks different these days... my children will not be here... so maybe... just maybe it's about others...
That will be my new approach...

The holidays you say?

Ahhh the holidays.... I go from loving them to hating them... to being anxious about their arrival and then thinking it will be nice they are here. In the past, as a child, teen, young married woman, and as a married woman with children, I LOVED the holidays... Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas... they were my favorites... big family get togethers... turkey dinners... cutting down the tree... decorating... shopping for presents ... parties... having the kids be excited or surprised by what Santa brought... making sure I could find what Santa needed to bring.... wrapping... staying up watching "It's a Wonderful Life"...all those things brought me joy ... as the years progressed and I became a single mom and the children became older...those holidays became more challenging...I think I began some new traditions with the kids and others that were fun and endearing and actually became more meaningful to me than older traditions... but Thanksgiving Day and Christmas day... well they became a challenge after my divorce... that first Christmas day... oh my gosh... the memory of it brings tears to my eyes even today... I thought my heart was being ripped out... but even as things got better and I got used to the kids going with their dad... things also got weirder... I never have been able to find a place for myself on those days... I mean a place where I have felt like I belonged... especially on Christmas day... I have done so many things on that day to "try and see what fits"... I've been to friends homes... spent it with their families... I've volunteered... I've stayed home and gone visiting all my friends on that day... but... after the children leave and go off with their dad... nothing seems to fit for me... It seems to me that I end up feeling like I'm trying to fill a void as opposed to feeling fulfilled and belonging in any one of those situations...I tried all those different things in hopes of finding "my fit".

This year, I find myself already thinking about the holidays (in October no less!) and I think this year will bring about exceptional challenges for me. I'm in my new home... far away from anything or anyone familiar... far from my children, friends, previous life... This year I will truly be in "new territory". How should I "fill the void" of the holidays... At first I thought I would travel back east for Christmas. I would fly to Philly, spend some time, drive my daughter to her dad's, I would see my children and friends. But then it dawned on me... well I would still have the same feelings about the day and on top of that... not really feel like I belong...since I NO LONGER LIVE THERE... and that seemed like too much for me to handle... so then I thought... maybe I should take a trip... just get the hell out of dodge... ya know... run away... I can think of lots of places to run to... but would that help... maybe my daughter would come here... But here's the thing about traditions... I have mourned the loss of what were once my "family" traditions... I have had to create new ones... My children will hold on to their traditions... As my divorce worked out, we created an environment in which we could share...I don't feel that we ever made our children choose... and so since I've moved, I took myself out of the loop... It didn't dawn on me that I wouldn't see my children over the holidays... That Christmas would be even harder for me since I wouldn't see my children at all. No Christmas eve, no waking on Christmas morning, no wrapping presents all night. Do I even get a Christmas tree? I'm not even Christian but I've always loved Christmas trees and the holidays (hence my conundrum)! I never dreamed that I would find myself in petty moments counting the number of days I've spent with the kids... or in more contemplative moments, thinking about my parents and how they must feel when I choose not to go visit them...as a daughter thinking about my parents, do they wish I would visit them(of course they do), or are they upset when I don't come visit them? Of course that leads me to think, Gosh do my children view me the same way I view my parents?

Oh who knows... I came here to this place find myself and find a place for myself...To heal... to grow... to love... to grieve... I guess this seems as good a time as any to find a life that suits me... find something fulfilling...find... what that wide world has to offer.... So what will the holidays bring?... don't know... where will I be?... London? Arizona? Paris? Colorado? Maybe I'll be away... or maybe I'll just take a nice, long, winter hike.....Maybe that's the beauty of the holidays.

The quiet of the mind...

This is what I love about going on a hike... at some point on the way up...(after I've stopped huffing a puffing...LOL) my mind just clears... I may be thinking of one thing or another... and then.. all of the sudden it dawns on me that I'm quiet... I mean truly quiet... my mind is quiet... no thoughts of the day... no anxieties... nothing going on other than maybe looking at the trees or the birds... but it's amazing to be that quiet...It's such a relaxing thing... I think that quiet moment provides clarity... when you can view your surroundings and just be... It is really a wonderful feeling. That total quiet is something I've never before experienced. I would guess that's what it's like to meditate. I was on my way down concentrating with my new poles... when that quiet dawned on me... It had been there for awhile and I noticed it because when I came upon a fellow hiker I was startled... It's like I was in another world...Let me digress a moment ... as always... to say my poles are awesome! I met a guy on a hike when I first got here and he recommended them... and I thought they would be awkward, or cumbersome... but they aren't... They are fantastic... they provide stability on the slippery slopes... and really help your knees... anyway...I then started thinking about something I read in my daughters blog.... she was writing about "who she is" and I was amazed by how well she knows herself... so that led me to think back to the exercise of I did once in my women's group... "I am a woman who"...and what I've come up with ... on my latest hike... "I am a woman who is on an adventure"...

Musings from a hike

I was taking a hike after work today and was thinking about my recent visit back east...I agonized , pondered about whether I should go, I went back and forth about going, until I just finally decided to just GO... and hope that people understood if I couldn't see them individually, or spend alot of time with them... I realized that I was going back to a place where I had friends and family and they would understand my time constraints and really if they wanted to see me individually, they could come to visit me in Boulder... lol... I had a wonderful time... and here is what I realized on my hike... I have people in my life that love me.. and when you have people that love you... it gives you the courage or strength to go off on your own... that is what I wish for for my own children... that they will have the strength, courage, to stand ... That they will create their own lives, they can be happy and secure, knowing they have so much love and support that they can try anything...Well that is my wish anyway for them... So maybe I've learned this late in my life... but I was busy or distracted by other things... and going to visit, reminded me that I am blessed with many, many people in my life that love me...When I was so wounded, they helped me rebuild, and like the launching of a child, I have been able to take this step...