New Home

I've been in my new place for 4 weeks... and I love it! All the boxes are unpacked... the pictures are hung... the internet is connected... and I can say that I feel like "home"...
From the beginning... there was something that pulled me to this place... I put the contract on it the first time I saw it... My friend was right... "you'll know when you walk in"... and I did..
Now that my furniture is in... my clothes are in... my "stuff" is here... It is home... It just feels great... I walk in every day... and say "Thank you"... "I love my house"... Even the cats have settled in...
Yep... I'm "home" in Boulder...

Tikkun

Tikkun is the Hebrew word for .... hmmmm... to fix... In Kabbalah...it means to correct....
The situation.. the parents ... the family... we are born into... is tikkun... for you are put in this family to learn... to learn the lessons you need in life from your parents... and vice versa ... our parents learn from their children... The idea that we enter into our families with a specific purpose is fascinating to me... We have adages that say something like well... "we can't choose our families but we can choose our friends"... This always appeared to me to be saying well... "whatever"... about our family and ... I will "fix - it" through my friendship choices...
But... what if I were to take this idea of tikkun to heart... what would it mean if instead of fixing my life without my family.. I adhered to the idea that I am supposed to learn from my parents and family... that I can't "fix" things unless I learn the lessons I was supposed to learn from the very beginning... It's a pretty common idea... It's like "building blocks"...that is what our families are..... the building blocks of our lives...
What if...
As my children grow into adulthood... I have felt that I straddle the worlds of being a parent and being an adult child of my parents... but what if I take that understanding and apply it to my fears... or to the issue that seems to be a constant to me...
Lost Connections...
I think... wow... I certainly have a lot of "lost connections"... but what if I apply the concept of Tikkun to it... I could start with the "connections" of my family.... and instead of saying ... Holy Shit... They are crazy!... Maybe it's time to recognize the lessons I have to learn... the lessons I can offer... and... the lessons they offer to me...
It would be as if I were embracing my fear... It would provide me the opportunity to learn... and maybe "move on"...
and maybe...
"Be Connected"...

4 Agreements Revisited

I read that book last year... and it made quite an impact on me...The agreement about not taking anything personally especially resonated with me... I wondered ... "How does one Not take things personally?!" ... But now... I think I get it... If you operate from within my your own personal base... How people respond to you or don't respond really has no bearing on you... It does not mean that you are loved or not loved, a friend or not a friend... involved... or not... If you know ... in your heart and soul.. that you are doing your best... living the way you want...with your personal integrity and being the person you want to be ... if you can be happy and secure in that knowledge...then... all is good! Here is the kicker though.... that I just realized... If things change... I can only be responsible for me... LOL... I never got that before... If after all is said and done...if I have changed based on how others perceive or react to me... I'm only responsible for me... how I am...
For example...my relationship with my brother... I adore him... he's my baby brother... we are almost a decade apart... When I went off to college, he was still in elementary school... but ... we always had a bond... we were very close...I was there for him when his first marriage fell apart... and when I first realized that my marriage was going to fall apart... he was the only family member I reached out to... he sent me a ticket... and cared for me...
One of the reasons I felt I could make this move ... was that he would be here.. with his family... and I would have a "family" connection... That notion was quickly erased when I finally got here...
I have accepted that life has changed for him... that our relationship is different... but ... what is the consequence of that?...
well... what if I change how I reach out to him because of that? ... what am I responsible for? I feel ... I am responsible for just me... am I doing my best?...Yes... His change is not a reflection of me... It has nothing to do with me... It's about him... his life...his family... his stuff... I will continue to be me...
A friend asked me... "will things be the same between us?"... I answered ... "sure".... but that's not exactly true...I have been doing the same things I always did... The real answer maybe should have been... "If you want it to be"...for I will continue to be "me"....
As I look back to read what I wrote so many months ago... I realize what a hard thing it is... to not take things personally... but...what I also realize is that ... feelings will be hurt... there is no question about that .... it's really about ... how you recover... whether you "hold on to it"... or ... feel it... acknowledge it... nurture yourself... and then... Remember...
"Be your best"...

...Wish I had a river....

Wish I had a river to skate away on...
Yep.... the holidays are approaching... and as usual ... I'm trying to find a way to make them ok for me... how can it be that each year I find it more difficult... I have planned a trip back east to be with the kids and... then a whirlwind to see "friends"...

On top of all the travel stress... the monetary stress... I feel so silly for feeling the way I do... I just read Asher's blog... and pain, frustration, lack of sleep, the uncertainty of their daughter's health... well ... lets just say my problems don't amount to a hill of beans... they are certainly not enough to cry about... they are struggling and dealing daily ... hourly ... with the illness of their daughter... the stress on their family... now that... that is something to feel bad about... to struggle with...

Count my blessings... my children are happy and healthy... and ... launching into their own lives..
You know... on second thought... Life is good...

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving is fast approaching... I am preparing a feast.....It will be a gathering of friends and family... all the things I hold in my heart... It will be the first time since I moved, that both my children with be with me... in my home ... at the same time ... for a holiday... Usually... I have one or the other...I am thrilled!!! So.. who cares that I'm turkey challenged...who cares if I've missed a spot in cleaning the place... who cares if the fridge is too small to hold all the fixings.. or it's a tight squeeze at the table...
I will have my children with me...in my home.... I give thanks for that!!!

gratitude.... and health care?

I've been practicing gratitude lately... and when you count your blessings... indeed your spirits are lifted... I am a blessed woman...
I am grateful for my health...I am able to walk after my horrible break... I have been cancer free for 18 years...I am grateful for the health of my family and friends... my parents are doing well...my sister... although fragile... is doing as well as can be expected... but... now... I am confronted by the recurrence of cancer in my dear, dear, friend/sister... she is being strong... positive... willful... her position is that this is just a blip... so... I am practicing "gratitude"... praying ... thanking... that things will "work-out"...
Her Dr. has prescribed her new chemo regiment.... she took her prescription to the pharmacy and because she has a "discount" plan for prescriptions, the chemo will cost $1200 a cycle...She can not afford that.... WHAT!!! ... Life saving, cancer fighting, Dr. prescribed drug... and it is unaffordable?... how can we live with ourselves?! How can anyone say... we do not need health care reform?... WITH a public option....
I just saw an ad here in CO... based on "fear mongering" ... a woman ... a breast cancer survivor... telling women not to vote for a public option for health care reform... because they may have to wait months for care... like in England... where their survival rates are lower... CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS...?!
Yes... I am a survivor...... I am grateful to be a survivor... I am grateful that this woman is a survivor... I'm grateful that she was able to AFFORD her health care that enabled her become a survivor... I wonder... if my cancer were diagnosed today... and I had to follow the same protocol, with my current insurance... how would I do it?... I think I would be bankrupt... as a matter of fact... I am still paying off my broken leg!! So that is another thing I'm grateful for... I'm grateful that at the time of my diagnosis... I was married and was able to AFFORD... good health care coverage...
I am not unique...there are many, many, many people out there stuck with "under" coverage... I am covered if something severe happens to me...and I pay a huge chunk of my paycheck each week to have this coverage, that leaves me with a huge bill at the end of any type of procedure...
Who is benefiting from my insurance payment each month?
Yes... I am grateful that, on this day, at this time... I have coverage... crappy or not... it is coverage... but what about my friend?
"Gratitude is the heart's memory".... she is in my heart...I love this woman... and how can this be that she cannot afford her chemo?... what kind of country are we, that we allow this to happen? ... Every day! And how is it that we produce commercials that tell women... that they could DIE if we change our system... IT IS LUDICROUS! IT'S EMBARRASSING! Why don't they bring up in those commercials all of the people that die purely because they cannot even have their cancers detected because they don't have coverage and no screening is available?! I guess that would not be an effective tactic for them to take.... It makes me feel as if I am living in a third world country!... This is not how we care for our community...
Gratitude...I have so many blessings in my life... I am grateful for my survival, for my family, for my friends... I am grateful for the people and memories I hold in my heart...
I will always hold her in my heart... I will pray, be willful, and positive just as she is...and I will also... pray, be willful and positive that we can change the system to which we and she are held hostage to...
Practicing Gratitude...

The Secret to Letting Go... is to Let Go...

Yes... I am learning to let go... In oh so many ways...
Ali was here for a fabulous visit... 10 whole days with my daughter and her boyfriend... It was fantastic... I will admit... it was a little hard to share her 100% the time with her boyfriend... It would have been good to have some one on one time... but really ... I am just thrilled to my core that she was here... and it was great... and she is great... and then... after 10 fabulous days... she had to go home... and ... I let go... she left... and yes... I'm sad... and a few tears were shed...but I let go... and...
It's ok...
I guess I am finally learning some lessons about letting go...One thing I have learned about letting go is that it's painful.... but, as in the case of Ali... the pain of letting go... is mitigated by the pride and love for the beautiful, intelligent, confident, successful woman she has become...for the woman that she is... and by my love for her... So in that regard, while it's not always easy to let go... I see what letting go has done for her... it has allowed her to blossom...and that makes it easier...

But letting go is still hard for me... Ali has been on her own for so many years... and it seems like only recently that I have been able to let go with less of a fight... It really only seems like yesterday that I picked a fight in her dorm room so I could leave... what an exit strategy!...
Somehow, I still seem to struggle with letting go of some things... in particular, relationships that I should be thankful for, but yet ... are gone or really changed... and it makes me angry... and I feel hurt... and yes... I'm thankful that they were there in the past... but they aren't now and I keep trying to make them be there..... I feel like I have tried in so many ways to continue them.. I find myself going back to them repeatedly... and it doesn't work and then I get angry ... and it's a vicious cycle and yet... I don't let go...Why? ... I continue to go back... to as my therapist used to say... "putting your hand back in the tiger's cage...and expecting a different outcome"... While this is not a "tigers' cage"... it is going back to same thing and expecting a different outcome... yes... no matter how many times you add up 1 +1... the answer is still 2...not 3... not 1... lol... I want things to be different than they are...

The reality is... maybe they never were different... I only thought they were... Oh my... I think I've got it!

Really ... I now realize...I am writing of 2 different things... Letting go is about allowing things to flourish and grow.. and allowing oneself to give in to that freedom... the other ... is about loss... and loss is hard.... it hurts... and wanting things to be some other way even if they are not.... Yes... one thing is about letting go.... the other is loss... and I think I now understand something about the differences between the two... loss is something you need to grieve... letting go... I can look forward to... flying...

Now that sounds great!